Thought Partner
Monique and me
Recently, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on what I need as a person and as a leader to be at my best, thanks to our recent quarterly team meeting. (If you missed the blog post about it, check it out here.) One of the things I’ve realized is that I really need a thought partner in the business. I have a coach—an external thought partner—but I also need someone on my team who can help me think through challenges and ideas in a low-pressure, low-stakes environment.
In the early days of the business, I had a thought partner in Abby (you may remember her from Permission to Screw Up). Abby was my go-to person who often helped me through decisions, tough situations, and all kinds of ideas. Since she left, I haven’t had just one go-to person; I’ve brought every problem and idea to the entire leadership team. And while our team has a high level of trust and deep relationships, the fact is that not every conversation needs to be a team conversation. Sometimes, I just need to talk to one person who asks the right questions and helps me get clear on what I’m thinking before I bring it to the team.
I thought about this a lot in the context of the feedback my team gave me during our most recent quarterly review. All quarter, I was in overdrive, doing all I could to make sure our business survived COVID-19. They told me that my level of intensity made them feel that they were being pushed too hard during such a difficult time. They felt guilty when they couldn’t keep up. I realized that a huge reason they felt that way was that they were bearing the full weight of my thoughts and emotions. I didn’t have a thought partner to talk through the pressure of keeping our business afloat, so instead of releasing some of that intensity in a one-on-one conversation, I brought all of it to every team meeting.
I knew I needed a partnership like I once had with Abby. That relationship was so valuable to me, and not having a partnership like that anymore was keeping me from being at my best and negatively affecting the team. Luckily, there was an obvious solution. I already had the right person on the team to take on that role for me: Monique, our Chief of Growth.
Monique and I have worked together for the last eight years. She started as my assistant, helping with personal to-dos and random things I needed. Over time, her role grew as our team and business grew, and she has become an indispensable part of our leadership team. Her role took on even bigger significance when, a few years ago, we stumbled upon the books Traction and Rocket Fuel and learned about the role of an integrator. In short, the integrator is the glue that holds a team together. They are responsible for breaking down the vision painted for them by the visionary of the company (me), and then it’s up to them to hold the team accountable to implementing the vision in the most efficient way. The integrator is the consistent communicator and the person the team looks to when things don’t make sense or when they need help prioritizing. Monique’s strengths are a perfect fit for the integrator role, and she slipped into it easily. But what we didn’t realize is that it can be easy to focus on the integrator’s role as it relates to the whole team and forget how they support me, the team's visionary.
For the last few years, the missing piece for Monique’s role has been open communication from me. For an integrator to do their job successfully, they need to know what is going on in the mind of the visionary, but all this time, I had felt bad for putting that weight onto Monique. Our quarterly review helped me see that she wants to be that person for me and that she actually needs that level of communication from me in order for her to be at her best as the integrator. It made complete sense—for her and for me—to bring her fully into the role of being my thought partner.
The thought partner relationship comes with a very important social contract: What is said between us stays between us. It’s critical that I have a high level of trust and confidence in her in order to share what is really on my mind and heart. Monique and I have been completely transparent with the rest of the team about this new level of our relationship. They understand that some things will stay just between Monique and me. They get it. And actually, they think it’s great. They know that if there is ever anything difficult I want to talk about with the team, I might get Monique’s perspective first. And after talking to her, I may realize that I don’t need to bring the issue to the team at all. Or if I do, Monique’s perspective will lead to a more productive conversation. And sometimes, I may realize that Monique is the right person to communicate something to the team. She is much better at communicating facts without obscuring them with emotions, so they trust her to fill them in on the critical details that are important for them to know.
The point of Monique being my thought partner isn’t to keep secrets or avoid conflict; it’s so that I have help sifting through my thoughts and ideas so I can make sense of them. Monique listens, she asks questions that help me get clear, and she helps me identify the best approach so that I don’t overwhelm the team. Some weeks we check in daily, some weeks it’s less. Sometimes our meetings are an hour, and sometimes it’s a quick 15-minute chat. We don’t have a formal meeting time; instead, we often use WhatsApp to send voice messages back and forth. When there’s an issue that we really need to unpack, we hop on Zoom and unpack it. It’s fluid and based on what’s happening that day.
There’s a saying in leadership: It’s lonely at the top. My view has always been that it doesn’t have to be, and I was reminded of that yet again this past quarter. The more you can open up and let people in, the more you can solve challenges together and feel like it’s not all on your shoulders. I think you know by now that I am a very transparent person, and I believe in putting it all out there. But sometimes, it’s helpful to talk things through before making something a team discussion. Do you have a thought partner? Do you have someone you can trust and confide in? If you don’t, I urge you to find that person. It makes all the difference.
Big hugs,
