When expectations don’t match reality
Is there someone in your life who constantly lets you down or disappoints you? Maybe it’s a parent. A friend. A coworker. Your partner. Your child. Whoever it is, it can feel so frustrating. Like you have tried everything you can to make this relationship work, but no matter what you do, you feel discouraged.
I’ve been there. For this particular relationship, I didn’t have a choice. This person will always be in my life, so I needed to figure out a way to change our dynamic so that the relationship wouldn’t negatively affect me so much.
I asked my coach at the time if he had any suggestions, and he led me through an exercise that really helped me. First, he asked me to get out a piece of blank paper. Then, on the left-hand side of the paper, he asked me to write down the words I would use to describe my expectations of a positive relationship with this person. I wrote, “honest, collaborative, respectful, and kind.” Then, on the right-hand side, he asked me to write down the words I would use to describe how this person actually showed up in our relationship. I wrote, “argumentative, dishonest, selfish, and combative.”
What I immediately found—which is the whole point of the exercise—is that the words on the left didn’t align with the words on the right. What I was expecting this person to be (the words on the left) is just not who they have shown me that they are (the words on the right). That meant that every time I interacted with this person, I was left feeling disappointed. I was disappointed because what I expected never matched reality.
After I did that exercise, my coach encouraged me to shift my expectations toward the words on the right instead. He told me that if I went in expecting the right, I would never be disappointed because my expectations would match reality. And when they didn’t, I would be pleasantly surprised. He also helped me understand an even deeper takeaway from the exercise: If I expected this person to be who I thought they should be, it wasn’t really fair. It would be like expecting them to be someone they aren’t capable of being. Shifting my expectations means learning to accept reality.
My coach was right: The person has never changed, but my mindset did, and it’s made all the difference. The dynamic between us no longer negatively affects me because I am no longer disappointed.
A couple of weeks ago, I shared this exercise with a friend who is facing the same struggle I once faced, and it got me thinking: This exercise certainly applies to relationships, but I think it also applies to life. Especially to what we are experiencing right now.
There is so much that is out of our control. I know there are people reading this who have lost their jobs, and no matter how hard you try, you are unable to find your next step. I know there are parents reading this who are struggling with not knowing how long they will have to facilitate virtual learning for their children and educators and administrators whose worlds have been flipped upside down. I know there are business owners and leaders reading this who are hoping this season will soon end. Regardless of who or where you are, I know there are a lot of humans reading this who wish our reality was different than what it is.
This year has been a huge disappointment and source of anger, grief, and frustration for so many of us. We have no way to know what exactly will happen from here, but there’s one thing we do know: Nothing is going “back to normal,” whatever that means, for the foreseeable future. Or maybe ever. So if we keep expecting things to be normal any day now, we will only continue to be disappointed over and over again. Instead, what if we reimagined our expectations? What if we changed our mindset so that we are not disappointed, or at least less so? It doesn’t mean that we are sticking our heads in the sand or being complacent. It means we are accepting what is and letting go of the control we have been pretending to have.
Here’s an example: I was supposed to get married this year. We chose to postpone the wedding, and with each month that passed, I kept believing that we would be able to reschedule and make it happen this year. After being constantly let down, I decided to change my expectations. I just wrote off 2020. I told myself that the soonest I’d be getting married is the end of 2021 at best. If it happens sooner, wonderful. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter because I’m no longer expecting that it will.
One of the greatest sources of stress, frustration, and disappointment is when our expectations don’t align with reality. So join me: Get out a blank piece of paper. Write down what you expected 2020 to be on the left and what 2020 actually is on the right. The right-hand side is reality, and it’s up to you to learn to accept it. I know it’s really, really hard. I also know that if you can change your mindset, you can change everything.
Big hugs,
Kristen
PS: Have you heard of my new LIVE show every Wednesday at 11 a.m. ET? Think of it as real talk. I share the challenges I’m navigating as a leader and I also take questions from you! You can register here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT. It’s the same link each week. Hope to see you there!
