Disagree and support
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For many years, my leadership journey looked like a constant search for consensus. It made other people happy, but for me, it was exhausting.
Before moving ahead with big ideas or changes that would impact the team, I would run the decision by each person individually. If anyone didn’t feel 100% good about it, I would take the idea back to the drawing board until I achieved complete alignment and agreement, which sometimes meant several iterations.
I thought it was the right thing to do—to prioritize the happiness of our team—but it actually hurt us. It slowed our progress and at times caused me to mold and shift ideas into ones that people liked but that ultimately weren’t good for the long-term health of the business.
My coach helped me recognize this blind spot. He helped me see that in my pursuit of making people happy, sometimes I was actually hurting the people I cared about most. He helped me understand that as a leader, it’s my job to sometimes move forward even if not everyone agrees. That it’s my job to take risks and make decisions that will be good for our future, even if part of the team disagrees with the approach. Leadership requires courage.
Learning to proceed without consensus has been extremely difficult for me. But thank goodness I got some practice before the pandemic because this season is requiring me to do it often—and I have a feeling I’m not alone. Because our world has changed so drastically, organizations have no choice but to adapt and pivot quickly in order to survive. If I had waited for every person on our team to agree with every decision I’ve had to make since March, our business might not be here.
The way I make decisions has certainly shifted, but I also want to point out that it hasn’t been a complete 180. It’s not like I’m making big decisions in the dark and then telling the team after the fact. Trust is what makes our team what it is, so for me, it looks like being open and transparent about decisions and giving people the chance to speak up and share their thoughts and ideas. The difference is that I am no longer looking for 100% agreement before moving forward. If someone disagrees with me but I really feel in my gut that the path I’m proposing is the path that will allow us to take care of our company and the people in it, I move forward. If 70% of the team is on board, I don’t hold out for the remaining 30%. Now, on the flip side, if only 5% agree with me, that may be a red flag. In that case, I might spend more time thinking about it before proceeding.
Here’s something really special that I’ve learned along the way: People can disagree and still support.
Think about that for a moment: People can disagree and still support.
Everyone has a right to disagree, and there could be so many reasons why we do. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s because there have been a series of unsuccessful changes, so the trust has been broken with trying new things. Maybe it’s because someone just really disagrees with the approach. That’s okay. We are all entitled to our opinions and perspective.
The thing about trust and buy-in is it has to be earned. Some may need to see it to believe it, and it’s not fair to expect that buy-in before we’ve earned it.
So how do we handle it when someone disagrees and we know we need to move forward? What do we say? How do we get them on board? I usually say something like this: “It’s okay that you disagree with me on this. What I’m asking for is your support.”
I can’t take credit for that line. It’s something my coach says to his own team, so I learned it from him. I’ve read that Jeff Bezos has a similar approach at Amazon; I believe he calls it disagree and commit, but it’s the same general idea: You can ask for commitment even when someone disagrees with you.
I am often surprised by the response: People usually choose to support. Not everyone, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that I refrain from moving forward. It means I have to work really hard to earn their trust, and that if my idea doesn’t work, I have to own that.
I’ve empowered our team to adopt this mindset as well. Just like I don’t need complete consensus, neither do they. If someone feels strongly about an idea and it’s in their area of expertise, I want them to move forward even if there are people who don’t see eye-to-eye with them, myself included. It’s no coincidence we’ve made more progress as an organization in this last quarter than we’ve made in the last year.
Leaders—and we are all leaders—have an opportunity to make a difference every day, and sometimes, making that difference requires us to ask for support instead of consensus. May we also remember to give our support the next time we disagree with someone we trust.
Big hugs,
Kristen
PS: Have you heard of my new LIVE show every Wednesday at 11 a.m. ET? Think of it as real talk. I share the challenges I’m navigating as a leader and I also take questions from you! You can register here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT. It’s the same link each week. Hope to see you there!
