Meet me out in the parking lot
Last week, I had the honor of working with an incredible team in Utah for two days.
One of my favorite parts of my speaking work is that I often get the chance to listen to and learn from other speakers, and last week was no exception: I got to share the stage with an amazing guy named John. We ended the conference with a fireside chat between us and the audience, and that’s when John shared a story that really moved me.
Someone from the audience asked a question about feedback: Is it ever appropriate to be so brutally honest in giving feedback that it may hurt someone?
John asked if he could answer the question by telling a story about someone he once worked with.
John’s background is in the auto business. He visits dealerships across the world and helps them become better at sales, but more importantly, better leaders and humans.
There was one dealership where he was doing some ongoing training work, and he noticed a gentleman in his class. We’ll call him Bob. John noticed Bob because every time John’s classes were over, Bob would walk up to him and say, “Good class.” This went on for a couple of classes until one time Bob walked up to John afterwards and said, “Good class, and if I actually applied your concepts, I’d probably double my income.”
John was shocked by Bob’s comment. Why wouldn’t someone apply concepts that they are perfectly capable of applying that would not only make them better, but also double their income?
John went to Bob’s leader and asked to get more context on Bob. He learned that Bob was a husband, a dad, and an average salesman, selling just above the bare minimum of cars each month. Bob’s leader told John that they hadn’t hired John for Bob—that Bob was set in his ways, that he wouldn’t change, and that John was hired for everyone else in that room except for Bob.
John didn’t like that answer. After talking to Bob’s leader, John went off to find Bob himself. He asked Bob if he could meet him in the parking lot for a conversation. When they got outside, John warned Bob that he had some feedback for him, and that it was going to hurt.
He then told Bob that he thought Bob was a terrible husband and father. As you can probably imagine, Bob did not react well to that and was confused by John’s accusation.
“You don’t even know me!” Bob said. “How could you call me a bad husband and father?” John went on to tell him that he thought that anyone who was perfectly capable of applying themselves more to double their income and chose not to didn’t really care about the needs of his family.
John said that at that point, it almost got physical, and that Bob told him he needed to walk away before he did something to John he might regret. But before Bob walked away, John said one last thing: “Bob, your wife has hidden desires in her heart. Ask her.”
John left the dealership shortly after that, and many months went by. When he came back to visit that same dealership down the road, he learned some news that shocked him: Bob had gone from selling 10 cars a month to 25. He was now a top-performing salesman. Bob’s leader wanted to know what John had talked to him about that one day in the parking lot because ever since then, Bob’s behavior had completely changed. John didn’t tell him, though. He said it was between him and Bob.
John didn’t end up seeing Bob on that trip, but a few months later, he got a text from a number he didn’t recognize. It was a picture of a kitchen being remodeled.
At first John was very confused, but when he saw the text underneath the picture it all made sense: “My wife’s hidden desire. Thank you.”
It was Bob.
As John shared this part of the story, he choked up. It wasn’t just that Bob had become better at his job—it’s that it was having an impact at home.
This story really resonated with me because I’m a huge believer in tough love. I can’t say that I would ever take someone out to the parking lot and say what John said to Bob, and I also totally respect if someone is happy with their income and doesn’t want to go for more, but what I love about the story is that John delivered a really harsh truth because he cared. He wanted Bob to be better. He saw that he was capable of it. He knew it would not only impact him at work, but it would also impact the people he loved most. And even though Bob didn’t like hearing it, it worked.
We ended the fireside chat by acknowledging that really harsh truths are only effective when you know the person delivering the feedback cares about you. If your intent is positive, if you love the person, if you want them to be better, and if you think the person on the other side would also agree with you on those same things, then say the hard things. It doesn’t mean the person will be receptive in the moment. It doesn’t mean the person will like the words coming out of your mouth. But just because someone doesn’t like it doesn’t mean it won’t make a difference.
Thank you John for inspiring me. I hope you took a nugget from this story, too!
Big hugs,
Kristen
PS: We are so excited to announce our next set of dates for the Human Leadership Program: March 16 + 17th! We hope you’ll join us. Tickets are first-come, first-served and will be capped. A few attendees from our last program helped us create this video to share what the experience is like. You can get your ticket here.
PPS: I hope you’ll join us for REAL TALK tomorrow, Wednesday, at 11 a.m. ET! I’m interviewing my best friend in the whole world, Darlene, and we are talking about friendship—growing together, outgrowing others, and nurturing relationships that are important to you even when you are busy as heck.
