How to lead a feedback conversation

One of my very favorite things to do is help teams navigate difficult feedback conversations. Why? Because where there is a need to have a challenging conversation, there is an opportunity to build trust. And to me, there’s nothing more important than having strong trust with the people you work with.

Even though feedback conversations can be one of the very best places to build trust as a team, they can still be incredibly hard to navigate.

One of the best recent examples I have of this is when I was hired to facilitate a 360 review for an executive team. Though they had worked together for a long time–some of them for decades–this team had been struggling with giving one another honest and direct feedback and had approached these conversations with hesitation and fear. I was there to challenge them (with love) and help them speak more candidly.

I knew that this was a delicate position for this team to be in. I knew they cared for one another. They didn’t want to give feedback that might hurt anyone’s feelings. In many ways, it reminded me of my own team and the areas where we used to struggle together. 

When I think back to the days when my team (and I) had fear around feedback and of hurting those around us, I remember that diving into that fear is what helped us through. We started by having vulnerable conversations where we revealed things about ourselves and our life experiences that we had maybe tried to forget. We answered questions like: What were your earliest experiences of conflict like? What did you learn about feedback as a child? When you made mistakes, how did your parents or parental figures react? How were you praised?

We quickly learned that we each had a unique relationship with feedback, and that for many of us, those early feedback experiences had been negative. That meant that any time we gave each other feedback or were on the receiving end of it, we were bringing these life experiences (and fears) into the conversation, making the conversation even more difficult.

Sharing these experiences as a team didn’t necessarily make our fears go away, but it helped us see that we weren’t alone. It reminded us that we are all human. It helped us create the space to acknowledge that feedback is hard and to find the courage to move forward together, despite the fear we felt.

And so, in leading the 360 Review for this executive team, I thought it would be helpful to start the conversation just like we had started ours as a team: With vulnerability. I began by asking each person to reflect on and share their answers to the following questions: How was feedback handled in their home growing up? What did they learn about it in school? How was it treated in the early part of their careers? And how do their life experiences affect their ability to give and receive feedback today?

In less than an hour, we learned that some grew up in homes where conflict was never addressed, but they could still feel the tension. We learned that some saw feedback positively, knowing it as a chance to learn and grow. We learned that some grew up in homes where the only feedback given was critical, and it led to feelings of defensiveness and not feeling good enough. We learned that some had experienced compassionate feedback early on in their careers while some experienced the opposite.

No one had the exact same experience with feedback, and yet, each person acknowledged that they struggled with it. They started to understand why giving and receiving feedback felt hard sometimes. They realized it’s human to feel that way, and that they weren’t alone. And creating the space to talk about feedback struggles and fears helped us segue into the second part of the session: The actual giving and receiving of feedback.

Instead of the typical 360 review (where each person shares two personal strengths, two personal weaknesses, and then the team gives them feedback on top of that), I decided to use a different framework called “Keeps and Considers.” It’s one of my favorite tools in the feedback department. I think it’s a more approachable way to enter a feedback conversation, especially when people aren’t used to a session like this.

I asked each person to reflect on two questions: 1) What should I keep doing? (In other words, what is really helping the team and having a positive impact?) and 2) What should I consider doing differently? (Or what is hurting the team and causing a negative impact?)

Once each person had answered these questions about themselves, I asked them to answer them for the other members of their team. What did they think each person should keep doing? What should each person consider doing differently?

Three hours later, we had done it. Each person had self-reflected. They had given one another candid feedback. They had received candid feedback. It was hard, but by golly, we got there.

Here’s the most important thing I’ve learned about leading a feedback conversation: No matter how much trust you have as a team or how long you’ve worked together, it can still be hard.

I totally get that sharing our upbringings and the experiences that have shaped us may feel too personal to you, especially if there was real hurt that was caused. And the reality is, our life experiences are coming to work with us, whether we talk about them or not. We are human. They are a part of us. And it’s ultimately up to us to decide what we feel comfortable sharing with others. But the more context we have about what drives our own behaviors and the behaviors of those we work alongside, the more we can meet one another with empathy, and the more we can help each other grow . . . together.

I hope this gives you a meaningful way to start a feedback conversation with those you work alongside. To help you, check out this agenda that my team and I created to give you a framework to lead a feedback conversation of your own!

We’d love to hear how it goes.

Big hugs,

Kristen

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