How to build trust and connection with strangers

Have you ever been in a situation where you need to build trust and credibility with people you don’t know? A job interview, maybe, or a presentation for stakeholders? Maybe a first meeting with a new client?

I can recall a time when I was in my mid-20s, and I’d been asked to give a speech to a room full of seasoned business professionals about how I started my company, Student Maid. 

I was so nervous. I felt a complete lack of confidence in myself. I knew that I would be the youngest person in the room and that everyone else I would be speaking to had so much more experience than I did.

I wanted to start my speech in a way that would immediately build trust and credibility with my audience, and the only way I knew how to do that was to share what I had accomplished up to that point. Student Maid was putting up some impressive stats at the time—a high growth rate, super-low turnover, local awards right and left—so when I started my speech, I opened with all kinds of numbers and benchmarks that were sure to knock their socks off. I figured that once they heard about how great my business was doing, they would want to listen to the rest of my speech.

Or so I thought.

One of my mentors, Peter, happened to be in the audience that day. After my speech, he came up to me and asked if he could give me some feedback. He said, “Next time, you should start your speech with that story you told about the 45 people quitting on you.”

I was so confused. He had to be kidding. Start my speech with a story about failure? I had mentioned that story during my speech, but I quickly glazed over it, sharing it as a funny anecdote about the early days. He wanted me to open with it next time? Wouldn’t that show I wasn’t professional or credible?

I must have looked as confused as I felt, so he explained why he said that. He told me that the story of The 45, as I call them, shows my humanity. It shows vulnerability. By talking about a mistake I made, he said, I could better connect with my audience. Everyone can relate to making mistakes. He said that a story like that—a human story—was the way to build connection and credibility with my audience, not statistics.

I was a little skeptical, but for my next speech, I decided to try it. And I was shocked. Right off the bat, I could feel a difference: I felt a connection with the audience I’d never felt before. They were nodding and laughing with me. And afterward, people came up to talk to me, and some even said they saw themselves in the stories I told. Peter was right.

Now, every time I write something or speak in front of an audience, I think about that advice. I ask myself: How can I start this conversation with something real? Something that is from my own heart and experience? How can I build trust and connection with a human story?

I was recently reminded of the power of sharing human stories during a group coaching session. A woman shared with us that she had just given a presentation that day that went really, really well, and she was so happy about it—but also confused. Why had it gone so well? What was different? She shared with us that public speaking has always been difficult for her, but there was something about this meeting that really worked: She felt more at ease; she felt a connection with her audience; and people wanted to talk to her about what she shared after the presentation was over. Up until that point, she had never achieved those results. What had sparked the change? She asked us to help her put her finger on the difference so she could replicate the experience the next time she gave a presentation.

As she told us more about the way she presented, it became clear what the difference had been: She started with a human story. It turned out that she was giving a presentation about a subject she’s really passionate about, so she began by sharing her personal experience with it. The result was that people connected with her story and with her.

We tend to put so much effort into memorizing stats and quotes and information that we think will impress people and build trust. But what I’ve learned is that the most impressive thing we can do is be relatable. The next time you’re in a situation where you need to build trust and credibility with people, consider the human stories you can share. Human stories generally require vulnerability–courage, mistakes, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness–and it can be uncomfortable. But there’s a purpose to that discomfort: Connection. It was uncomfortable at first for me to talk about 45 people quitting on me, but I ended up opening my first book with that story because it’s so uncomfortable and vulnerable. When you’re looking for human stories to share, ask yourself: Do I have personal experience with the subject I’m talking about? Am I starting with something superficial, or am I being vulnerable and authentic?

Public speaking isn’t the only time we can build connection with vulnerability and authenticity. Think about the ways we’re vulnerable and authentic with people all the time: When we’re having a rough day, for example, and a friend asks us how we’re doing, we might launch into a detailed description of everything that’s gone wrong and how upset we’re feeling. Just the other day, I joined a Zoom meeting right after a dentist appointment. I’d never had a conversation with this person before, but I jumped right in by saying, “If I look and sound a little weird right now, it’s because half my mouth is numb from going to the dentist.” It got our meeting started with a laugh, and it built a little bridge of relatability right away.

And finally, if you’re struggling to find human stories, ask for feedback. I would have never decided on my own to start a speech with The 45. It took feedback from a mentor to get me there. And for the woman in our coaching group, she couldn’t see the humanity in her presentation until we helped her unpack it. So ask others: What did I share in my presentation that resonated the most with you? Was there something about the way I shared it that made a difference? What could have made what I shared more human, more authentic?

The more willing we are to be vulnerable, the better chance we have to build real trust and connection.

Big hugs,

Kristen

P.S. Our next Human Leadership Program is coming up on March 16 +17!! Join us and learn how to become a more authentic, human leader. Tickets and more info here!

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