Heck to the no

If you read last week’s post, you know that we start every team meeting with personal check-ins: a time to share whatever is on our hearts and minds and connect on a personal level before we talk about business. 

In our team meeting last week, when it was my turn to give my personal check-in, I chose to share a recent personal win with the team: Boundaries.

I have to preface this by saying that boundaries are new for me. I never used to set them. Instead, I would run myself ragged for everyone in my life. I interpreted “servant leadership” to mean that those I serve come first, I come last, and saying “no” or setting a boundary is selfish. 

But here’s what happens when you don’t set boundaries: You become really freaking resentful. You get something called “compassion fatigue.” You support everyone else, you help everyone else, and then one day, you wake up and realize you haven’t helped yourself. And then, you become angry about that. And every time someone asks you to do something and you say yes, you feel that anger inside. But really, the person you are angry with is yourself. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I’ve been working on these boundaries of mine. And oddly enough, I started implementing them at work first. I guess it felt easier and more natural for me. I started with saying no to things I didn’t want to do or wasn’t truly feeling. Ouch. So hard to do at first. And then, I increased my speaking fees to better match the time I put in. Ouch. Again, so hard to do. And then I started protecting my time: I blocked out Mondays and Fridays as strategy and thinking days instead of meeting days. I started to say no when someone wanted to have a call and my calendar was at capacity. Ouchie ouch. So hard to do.

I set my boundaries slowly, and after realizing that the world would not fall apart when I did, I felt encouraged to set more. And then, eventually, that had a ripple effect on my life outside of work.

Just this weekend I had some boundary wins.

On Friday, I spent a full day working with a team in Houston. I got home at 9 p.m. Spiros and I got invited to an impromptu dinner for our dear friend’s birthday, so he went and asked me to meet him there when I was ready. It was only our friend whose birthday it was, her husband, and Spiros. I felt like I needed to go because this was my friend and she was at my birthday. But the truth was, I couldn’t. My body was screaming no. My body wanted to stay home, put some PJs on, and watch Netflix. And so I said no. So hard to do.

On Saturday, I had a workout scheduled with my trainer at 8 a.m. I had already missed a couple of sessions the week before, and I had promised I would make it to this one. But when I went to bed on Friday night, no part of me wanted to wake up early and workout at 8 a.m. I wanted to sleep in. I also didn’t feel like working out in a gym. Instead, I wanted to wake up and go for a run outside. I tried to convince myself not to cancel because I had made a promise, but I finally decided to honor my boundaries. At 10:30 p.m., I texted my trainer and told him I needed to cancel. So hard to do.

Over the weekend, I knew I wanted to have a weekend off. A weekend of no work, of unplugging, of recalibrating, and of spending time with Spiros. It’s my goal every weekend, but even when I know that and intend to take that time off, I usually feel guilty about it. I take the time off, but then I think about all the work I could be doing the whole time. I think about all the ways I’m behind and how working on the weekend would help me catch up. I have begun to realize that when I take time off and feel guilty about it, it’s not really time off because I can’t enjoy it. So this weekend, I set a mental boundary. I told myself to release the guilt, enjoy the weekend, and be all-in on my time off. So hard to do.

Last week, a few texts came through from friends of mine who had important things to share. Normally, my impulse is to respond right away. And so, I picked up my phone, preparing to type back. But the thing was, I didn’t feel like responding just yet. I didn’t have the capacity to. When I received these texts, I was in the midst of enjoying some alone time, and I wanted to continue to have time with myself and my thoughts. So I didn’t respond. I left the texts unread for almost 48 hours, until I felt the time was right for me. So hard to do.

Maybe setting boundaries is easy for some. It’s not for me. But every time I set one, I trust myself more and more. Every time I set one, I’m inspired to set another. Every time I set one, I become a better human and leader. I’m able to protect my energy so that I can give to others in a really intentional and purposeful way. 

I read somewhere once that if your answer isn’t a “heck yes!” it’s a “heck no!” Are you saying “yes” to things you really want to say “no” to? What is one boundary you can set today?

The future is bright and full of boundaries . . . (that’s definitely how the saying goes, right?!)

Hugs,

Kristen

PS: We are so excited to announce our next set of dates for the Human Leadership Program: March 16 + 17th! We hope you’ll join us. Tickets are first-come, first-served and will be capped. A few attendees from our last program helped us create this video to share what the experience is like. You can get your ticket here.

PPS: I hope you’ll join us for REAL TALK tomorrow, Wednesday, at 11 a.m. ET! I’ll be interviewing... Rachel Druckenmiller! Rachel’s superpower is resilience. Her “moment” came a couple of years ago: She was totally burned out, sick, tired, and diagnosed with Epstein-Barr. She knew something in her life had to change. After more than 13 years in the health and wellness industry, she left her job to start her own company, Unmuted, where she inspires people to come alive and awaken to what’s possible in their lives. Shortly after starting her company, she was hit by a car and suffered a spinal fracture in the midst of a global pandemic that forced her to pivot her business. These difficult moments gave Rachel perspective and helped her reconnect to herself and what she wants in her life. Today she inspires us to build resilience in ourselves and teaches us how to use challenging moments as invitations to live life more fully and intentionally. Join by registering here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT