Empathy Mapping
Earlier this year, I was in the middle of a negotiation. I knew that what I wanted out of the deal and what the other person wanted were totally different. I wanted to figure out a way to find a middle point so that we could move forward. But how could we do that when our needs were so opposite?
I talked to my coach about it, and he suggested that I draw a negotiation map: Write down all the things that are important to me on one side, all the things that are important to the other person on the other side, and then identify the places where they overlap.
It sounds so simple, but I had never thought about actually putting myself in the other person’s shoes and thinking about what would be important to me if I were in their position. I imagined what it actually felt like to be coming from their viewpoint. I thought about the solutions I had proposed and asked how those solutions would make me feel if I were on the other side. What was missing? What would I want to hear in order to want to move forward?
The more I did the exercise, the more I realized a negotiation map is really an empathy map. And when you think about it, empathy is usually what’s missing when there is a disconnect and two parties can’t seem to find alignment. So often we go into conversations with what we need and what we want and what would make it a win for us, and we fail to deeply consider the other person’s perspective before coming into that conversation.
When we go into conversations presenting only what is important to us, the other person may be quick to shut down. We risk losing them right from the beginning because our solution seems to be coming from a self-centered place. However, if we can come to the table with a solution that has considered both perspectives and that addresses the needs of both, we will be more likely to capture the other person’s attention because we have looked at it through their lens. We have a much better chance of getting from that proposed solution to a win-win.
Empathy mapping has come in handy for me again recently. I hired someone to help me with a personal project, and it didn’t go well. I wasn’t happy with the results, and on top of that, the person wanted me to pay them more money than we had agreed upon. I didn’t feel that was fair. I tried to consider things from both of our viewpoints: How did we both feel? What was important to each of us? Where was the win for both? I created an empathy map.
On my side, I knew I didn’t want to pay any more money. Truthfully, I just wanted to be done with the project. I could easily do the parts that were left, and I preferred to finish it myself.
If I were the other person, I would feel frustrated. I would feel like I had unexpectedly devoted a lot of hours to this project because I didn’t properly estimate my time. I wouldn’t want to spend any more time on the project unless I was compensated for it.
And in that I found my proposed solution: I wouldn’t pay for any additional time, and I also wouldn’t require any additional time aside from finishing a couple things that were lingering. The other person loved this idea and we agreed to it in a matter of 5 minutes.
It doesn’t mean that we both felt happy about the experience as a whole, but approaching the solution with empathy allowed us to make the negotiation a lot easier than it would have been otherwise. And in this particular situation, we ended it in a great place. There are no hard feelings.
Right now, most of us are in a tough season. We don’t need to make it even tougher than it already is. The next time you have a difficult conversation to navigate, try approaching it with an empathy map, and you’ll find it to be a lot less painful than it might otherwise be.
Hugs through the screen,
Kristen
PS: Have you heard of my new LIVE show every Wednesday at 11 a.m. ET? Think of it as real talk. I share the challenges I’m navigating as a leader and I also take questions from you! You can register here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT. It’s the same link each week. Hope to see you there!
