Burnout wake
Date night with Spiros! (Post-burnout)
A couple months into the pandemic, I had a sobering moment with my fiancé, Spiros. We were in the middle of packing for our impending move into our new home when he asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: “Are you unhappy with me, or are you just unhappy?”
It struck me because I was (and still am) so happy with him. Why would he ask such a question out of the blue?
We stopped packing and started talking. We talked about how he noticed I was complaining nearly every day. And about how I was short-tempered. And about how it was becoming the norm for me to make a big deal over small things. And about how I just seemed…off.
Spiros was right. I did feel unhappy. But I wasn’t unhappy with him. And up until that point, I hadn’t really recognized my unhappiness or the way I was showing up in our relationship. When I thought about it, I did feel off, but I never stopped to think about what was underneath the complaining, the negativity, the short fuse. So what was really happening here?
Once I started connecting the dots, it didn’t take me long to figure out what was wrong. Here’s what was happening:
I was working 80+ hours a week, including weekends
I was going from video meeting to video meeting without taking breaks
I was failing to work out, take walks, read, and do things that bring me energy
I was saying yes to everyone and everything
I was forcing myself to be productive when I felt unproductive
I was Facetiming friends and family in the evenings even when what I really wanted to do was take a bubble bath in silence
I was saying no every time Spiros asked me to do something because “I have to work”
I was getting up at 3 a.m. to submit grant applications
I was resentful of my work because it was taking me away from my life
Welcome to burnout.
How did I get there? Because I thought that’s what strong leadership in a pandemic was supposed to look like. I thought that I had to spend every ounce of energy making sure our company survived and that I had to be there for every person who needed my help. And what was the cost of this so-called “strong pandemic leadership?” Getting to a place where my fiancé questioned if I was happy in our relationship because of the way I was treating him. And a few weeks later, my team gave me the same feedback in a 360 review, wondering why it felt like I resented the business…and them.
Burnout is real. It affects those we love and those we lead, and it also affects us. I don’t know what it is about these last couple weeks, but it seems like nearly every leader I’ve talked to is on the brink of burnout or is already there. Maybe you are too.
Working at home? It can be hard to set boundaries. Homes are now offices.
Leading an organization? It can be hard to focus on anything else. There is pressure to not only survive, but thrive.
Juggling kids and a family? It can be hard to justify “me time.” Your family needs you.
Experiencing pandemic fatigue? It can be hard to say “no.” Even though you are exhausted, you still care about people.
Here’s the thing: If we fail to set boundaries, and if we fail to turn it off, and if we fail to recharge, and if we fail to say no, one day, someone we really, really love may look us in the eye and ask us if they’ve done something to make us unhappy. That’s what I call “burnout wake”—the ripple effect that burning out has on others.
I’m thankful for Spiros’s question that broke my heart and stopped me in my tracks. I’m thankful because it gave me a reality check early on in the pandemic. I pressed the reset button, I got out of the hamster wheel, I set my boundaries, and I got back to a place where work and life work together instead of against each other. Most importantly, I stopped hurting the people I love and care about most.
I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be really honest with yourself. If you were to ask your spouse, your kids, your team to describe how you are showing up, what would they say? If you have a pit in your stomach right now, let me also ask you this: What good is it if we get the work done but we wreak havoc in other areas of our lives? What good is it if the organization survives but we hurt our team in the process? What good is it if we help everyone but we end up hurting ourselves? When we reach burnout, what are we modeling for those we lead? For our children? I’m asking you these questions because I’m asking myself these questions.
You get one life. You don’t get a redo. And if any of this is resonating with you, I have a next step. Our team created a meeting agenda designed to help you lead a discussion around avoiding burnout and holding yourself accountable to boundaries. It’s meant to be a discussion that you can have with a team, but you can also use it as a reflection guide for yourself if you’d like to do it alone. You can download it here.
Most of all, what I want you to know is that I’m proud of you. 2020 is hard. Being a human is hard. You’ve got this.
Hugs through the screen,
Kristen
PS: Have you heard of my LIVE show every Wednesday at 11 a.m. ET? Think of it as real talk. I share the challenges I’m navigating as a leader and I also take questions from you! You can register here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT. It’s the same link each week. Hope to see you there!
