When someone pushes back on your no
Have you ever had someone push back after you’ve said no?
This happened to me recently, and it was a really tough and delicate situation. I want to write about it here because it’s a reminder of what can happen when you set boundaries.
Before we get there, though, I want to talk about what it means to set a boundary in the first place.
I used to really struggle with setting boundaries. Just the thought of saying no or telling someone I couldn't do something they wanted me to do—even if I had a good reason—made me want to throw up. I was so afraid of hurting them or our relationship.
I compromised by letting people down easy. I wouldn’t say yes, but I wouldn’t say no, either. Instead, I’d leave the door open in an attempt to make the rejection hurt less. I’d say something like, “I won’t be able to do this right now, but let me know about future opportunities.”
Leaving the door open is not setting a boundary. In fact, all that does is make things more difficult when that person inevitably comes back and asks again. And then, when your answer is still no, not only is it more painful to say the next time around, but it’s also a bigger disappointment to the person on the other side who likely feels that they’ve wasted their time.
There’s a saying for this: The first no is the easiest. And it’s true. I learned that when I wanted to say no but failed to say it clearly the first time, the consequences were mine to own. Because I didn’t set clear expectations or give a definitive no, my response is the reason that person is asking me again. And now, my choices are to either muster up the courage to give a very delayed but clear no or to commit to doing something I really don’t want to do.
I don’t like either of those options, which is why I worked hard to grow in the way I set boundaries. Now, before I commit to something, I think about it a lot and make sure I really want to do it—and that I have the bandwidth for it. If there is any hesitation, I give a very clear and compassionate no. (Looking for help setting boundaries? Check out this recent post and this one to learn more.)
When I set a clear boundary, 99% of the time people are supportive and understanding, so much so that it inspires me to keep honoring and setting my boundaries.
But what do you do when someone pushes back on your very clear no?
That is what brings us to what I want to talk about in today’s post.
I’m going to be vague about this situation out of respect for the person and our relationship. As I share this story, maybe it will remind you of a similar situation of your own.
In this particular instance, I told someone that I wanted to pass on an opportunity they presented to me. Instead of accepting that answer, they asked me for my reasoning and to reconsider my choice.
Now, first and foremost, I know that this person cares about me, and we have the kind of relationship where they can be honest with me. At the same time, I was sticking up for myself and what I needed in that moment, and what I needed was to say no.
It was tough to know how to move forward.
At first, I thought, should I just say no again? Or do I really need to explain myself? Should I reconsider and commit just to make this person happy? Would doing so help our relationship?
I thought deeply about these questions for a couple of days before responding. Here’s what that thought process looked like:
First, I thought about why I turned down the opportunity in the first place.
The hardest part about someone not taking no for an answer is that it can cause you to doubt yourself, and in this instance, it certainly did that for me. I found myself questioning whether I made the right decision and worrying about jeopardizing my relationship with this person.
But then, I thought about how almost anytime I’ve been tempted to change my answer because of someone’s reaction to it, it’s not because I really wanted to change it; it’s because I didn’t want to upset that person. Making decisions based on how someone else feels instead of what I want or need never turns out well.
Let’s say that I decided to change my answer from no to yes. What would have happened? I already knew that I didn't have the bandwidth to take on the opportunity, so saying yes would’ve put me right on a path to overwhelm and burnout. I also simply didn’t want to do it, so saying yes would have meant making a half-hearted commitment that would have likely led to resentment. By saying yes, I’d be hurting myself and my ability to show up well for this opportunity, and therefore, I would also hurt my relationship with the person who asked.
The more I thought about it, the more it felt like saying yes would be a betrayal of myself. And to me, that was a dealbreaker. I wasn’t willing to abandon myself in that way.
Now that I knew my answer was still no, I thought about what I owed the person making the request.
Technically, I owed them nothing: They had asked me to do something, I said no, and I really didn’t need to justify why. I knew I could have just left it at that. A boundary is a boundary, and we don’t owe anyone an explanation for our boundaries, even if we know them really well.
But easier said than done, right? Especially when you care about the person and your relationship.
In this situation, I thought about how helpful and supportive this person has been to me. I knew that their pushback was coming from a caring place, and I value our relationship and want it to continue positively. So for those reasons, I felt an explanation was warranted.
I wrote a thoughtful response where I clearly reiterated my no and explained the reasons why the choice was best for me.
What was the outcome?
The person on the other side responded with love. They understood my no and accepted it this time, and I was thankful. Most of all, I was proud that I didn’t bend on what I needed to do for myself.
Because that’s the thing: It’s so important to stay true to yourself. If you want to feel aligned and at peace, you must have the courage to make decisions that align with your values and that protect your well-being. If you don’t advocate for yourself, who will?
But advocating for yourself comes with a catch: Not everyone will easily and quickly accept the boundaries you set. It can be helpful to remember that while the way people react to your boundaries is not your responsibility, it’s also possible to compassionately reiterate your no to someone you really care about for the sake of your relationship.
Setting a boundary means that you might disappoint someone. And that’s okay. If it’s a real relationship with a high level of trust, people can accept your boundary while also disagreeing with it. You will likely need to do the same for them one day. That’s how real relationships work: Being human means sometimes wanting different things. But if it’s the real deal, the relationship will not crumble because you set a boundary. In fact, it will make it stronger because you’ve committed to having open and honest conversations.
I’m curious: Do you struggle with saying no? Have you ever had someone push back on a no? What is this post bringing up for you? Hit reply and tell me all about it!
Big hugs,
