The flow of a feedback conversation
Hi friends!
I’m back from Break Week, and let’s just say . . . it wasn’t at all what I expected!
I visited my parents at the beach in Florida and—hurricane. I’m so grateful I could be there to help them prepare their house for Ian and take care of the aftermath, and I’m even more grateful that their home and our community had only minimal impact from the storm. At the same time, I’m devastated for all those in Florida who weren’t so lucky. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching to see the devastation. I thought a lot about how hard it can be to feel two conflicting emotions at once—gratitude and sadness—and if you are feeling any of this, I want to remind you that it’s human, and both feelings deserve to be honored.
So, all of this to say: It certainly wasn’t the break that I had planned for. It might not have been the most relaxing and rejuvenating, but I’m so thankful that I had time off from work so that I could focus solely on helping my parents. And I definitely got the quality time with them that I was hoping for (. . . maybe a little too much LOL).
I’m so ready to dive back in and finish 2022 with you. How are we already in the last quarter of the year?!
I thought we could pick back up with one of my favorite topics: feedback. I know the end of the year can be a time when feedback conversations happen the most, especially with annual review season. I thought we could focus specifically on the flow of a feedback conversation. This is where I’ve struggled the most as a leader: not knowing how to express my feedback or turn it into a compassionate, productive conversation.
I’ve learned that feedback is just that: a conversation. It’s not something that we just “dump” on someone’s lap. It’s not a one-way dialogue. At its best, feedback is a chance to get curious about yourself and someone else. It’s a chance to work together to build a bridge in a difficult moment—a bridge that will hopefully lead to greater connection and trust between you.
Below, you’ll see my vision for the ideal flow of a feedback conversation, including some suggestions for how to phrase things so that you can set yourself up for a compassionate and effective dialogue. Please know I am not prescribing here. It’s up to you to take what resonates and make this your own! More than anything, it’s so important that feedback comes from a genuine and authentic place—it’s the only way to build trust.
Here we go!
Before the meeting:
Clearly state the purpose of the meeting so that the person knows what to expect and isn’t blindsided by your feedback. You might say something like: “I’d like to give you feedback about the presentation and talk about some things that went well and some things that I think we might be able to do better and get your perspective, too. I want to take today to think about it and organize my thoughts. Can we meet tomorrow at 2 p.m.?”
If you want, you can also share the feedback in advance of your meeting, so long as there is still a conversation about the feedback. This might be better for people who do better with processing feedback before having a conversation about it. I’d suggest saying something like: “I have some feedback about the presentation and would love to have a conversation with you tomorrow about it. I thought it might be helpful to give you my thoughts in advance of our chat. Here are some things that I thought went really well: XYZ. And here are some things that I thought could have been better: XYZ. I’d love to get your perspective on that tomorrow and also hear more about what you think went well and what could have been improved. Excited to talk tomorrow about it!”
Opening:
Because you’ve already stated the purpose of the meeting, that makes your opener a lot easier. You could say something like, “I’m so grateful we have the time to chat about this. Thanks for making it a priority. As you know, I have some feedback I’d like to share about the presentation yesterday. I’d love to give you that feedback, see what you think about it, and then also talk about any additional feedback you may have for me.”
Let’s say you haven’t been able to state the purpose of the meeting in advance. You might say something like, “I have some feedback about the presentation I’d like to talk through. Is now a good time for that?” If the person says no, schedule a time to meet to talk about it. Then, you could even say something like, “Would it be helpful if I gave you my feedback in advance of our meeting? If so, I can send it to you before we meet. Please feel free to do the same for me, and I can think through it before we chat.”
Deliver the feedback:
One of my favorite methods for giving feedback is called “keeps and considers.” You could set it up like this: “Here are some things that I think went really well and that I think you could keep doing: XYZ. And here are some things that I thought could be better and that you might consider taking a different approach next time: XYZ.”
Another one of my favorite methods is called the “FBI.” It stands for feeling, behavior, impact. It could go something like this: “I felt confused yesterday when you said XYZ in the presentation, and the impact is that I’m not sure what to communicate to my teams. At the same time, I felt excited when you talked about XYZ, and the impact is that I have renewed enthusiasm for the project.”
Seek to understand:
This is the part where you shift your feedback to a dialogue. You could say something like, “Tell me what you think. I’d love to learn your perspective.”
Then, try to say “tell me more” a few times after that to take the conversation a little deeper and see if you can really seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Think of it like an onion: Every time you say “tell me more,” you peel back another layer and learn a little bit more.
Reflectively respond:
Before responding to the person’s thoughts with your perspective, first repeat what you heard. This is the key to making someone feel heard and understood in a conversation. It could go something like this: “Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It sounds like you think XYZ and XYZ. Did I get that right?”
If you got it right, awesome! If not, now the person has the chance to try again. You could say something like, “I’m so glad I asked. I want to make sure I really understand where you are coming from. Could you try to explain it again?”
Ask for feedback:
After you reflectively respond to the person’s perspective on your feedback, it’s time to ask them if they have any feedback for you. You could say something like, “I’d love to know more about how you see my own role in this. What are 1-2 things that I did well and 1-2 things that I could have done better to help us reach a better outcome here?”
Reflectively respond:
Again, after the person shares feedback, give a reflective response. Something like, “Thank you so much for your willingness to be open with me. It sounds like I did XYZ well and that you would have liked to see XYZ done differently. Did I interpret that correctly?”
Commitments:
This is the part where you work together! You could say something like, “Let’s identify some commitments that will help us get a better outcome in the future. On my end, it would mean a lot to me if you could commit to XYZ. What do you think about that? And what would you like me to commit to on my end?”
Sometimes, it might make sense to think on this part a bit and have some time to process before determining commitments. You could say something like, “What if we both took some time to think about the feedback we’ve given each other, and when we meet again, we can come with our ideas for commitments so that we can get a better outcome next time?”
Schedule a a check-in:
If necessary, set up a time to regroup so that you can continue the conversation. I suggest following up within a week to keep momentum going. Choose that time in your meeting so that it remains a priority. You might try something like, “I know we are both so busy, so let’s put time on the calendar now so that we can keep building momentum here.”
Say thank you:
I always believe in ending with thanks—even if you disagree with the person and their perspective! I think it builds trust for future conversations. And plus, we are human—there will be times when we disagree. You could say something like, “I’m really grateful for our time together. Thank you so much for your willingness to hear my feedback, and thank you for being so open and willing to share your feedback with me.”
If you do disagree, you could add something like, “I know our perspectives are different on this, but regardless, I’m still so grateful we chatted about it because you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
One thing to add: Let’s say the other person starts getting defensive or shutting down somewhere in the conversation. Or maybe you start getting defensive and can feel yourself shutting down. You could say something like, “I really care about you and this conversation. Why don’t we take the rest of the day to process and think about it and reconvene tomorrow to chat about it?” It’s totally okay to take a pause!
Want to try out this flow during your next feedback conversation? We put all of this in a resource for you to make it something you can easily reference and share! You can download it here.
Alrighty friends, there you have it. I hope this is helpful! Sending you all the best feedback vibes. Remember, feedback isn’t easy. But when we commit to making it a dialogue, and put our care for the other person above staying in our comfort zones, that’s where the magic happens.
Big hugs,
