Speaking up for small needs helps us speak up for big ones
A few weeks ago, I was at my aesthetician’s studio getting a laser treatment on my face. It’s something I've been doing to help heal some old acne scars.
The treatments are very effective, but they’re not exactly fun. The laser is pretty hot, and when it hits my skin, it feels like getting a really bad sunburn.
Even though I’m used to the feeling by now, it’s still uncomfortable. I usually spend most of the appointment trying to distract myself by thinking about anything but the laser on my face.
At one point during this particular treatment, my aesthetician asked me the questions she always asks: “Kristen, are you okay? Are you in any pain?”
I know that there’s only so much she can do to keep me comfortable, so my default answer is, “Doing fine! I’m good!”
But this time, I stopped myself before I said anything. Instead of spitting out my usual reply, I took a moment to actually consider her question and my answer to it.
After a few seconds, I told her that the laser felt a little bit hot to me, but it was manageable, and I didn’t need her to stop. I said I would let her know if my discomfort increased in any way and if I felt like I needed a break.
As I was lying there feeling my scars get zapped into oblivion, it dawned on me that I had just done something I never would have done even a year ago: I had taken the time to consider my needs—and I’d communicated about them honestly.
For years and years, my default was to appear as likable and adaptable as possible in any situation. Any time someone asked me if I was comfortable or if I needed anything, I would assure them that I was perfectly fine and that I didn’t need a thing—even if that was far from the truth.
During my appointment, I had a lot of time to think about all the ways I used to do this:
When I’d get my nails done and I’d realize that I didn’t like the color I chose or I wasn’t happy with the shape, instead of speaking up and asking for a change, I’d pretend as if I liked them. I’d leave the salon with nails I didn’t love and have to look at them for two weeks until my next appointment.
When I’d get massages and the masseuse would ask if I was too cold or too hot, I would always say I was comfortable, even if I wasn’t. And then I’d spend the rest of the session distracted by my discomfort instead of relaxing.
If I was in an Uber that felt a little stuffy, instead of asking the driver if they could turn on the AC or roll down the windows, I’d keep quiet and endure it.
If I didn’t like the food I ordered at a restaurant? Forget it. The server would never know because I’d never tell them.
I’d do it at work, too: If someone asked if I could meet at a time that was inconvenient for me, I’d often say yes anyway.
It was frustrating to remember all those times when I failed to speak up for myself. But I knew why I did it: I was afraid to be perceived as difficult. I didn’t want anyone to think I was hard to please or ungrateful or needy. I wanted people to use words like “chill” and “laid back” and “easygoing” to describe me. I wanted to be liked and accepted, and I thought that taking the path of least resistance would do it.
But by living that way, I was betraying myself. I was sacrificing my comfort and well-being instead of advocating for what I needed. I wasn’t being true to myself, even when it came to the smallest of things.
I’ve come to realize that if you can’t speak up about the small stuff, what does that mean for the big stuff? If I can’t even ask my Uber driver to turn up the AC, how am I supposed to believe that I can have a courageous conversation and hold someone on my team accountable? If I can’t tell my nail tech that I changed my mind about the color, how am I supposed to find the courage to tell my husband what I need from him to feel loved? If I can’t tell my masseuse that I’m too cold, how can I even imagine confronting a friend when I feel let down?
I’m proud to say that I’ve grown so much in this area. Over the last year especially, I’ve gotten so much better at speaking up for my bigger needs. A huge part of that is due to therapy, which has helped me become more in tune with and curious about my needs. But it’s also because I got better at speaking up about the small stuff.
Here are some examples:
I have a group of friends in Houston, and we often get together for girls nights. The first several times we did this, I hosted the group at my house because it was the easiest thing to do. In Houston, my husband and I don't have kids (my bonus daughter lives in Michigan), but all my friends do, so it made sense for me to volunteer our (relatively less chaotic) home. I did it enough times in a row that our house became the default meeting place. But then, there came a time when I didn’t want to host girls night. When we started planning the next one in our group chat, I said I was available to attend but I wouldn’t be able to host. It felt so good to put that out there and not host the next one.
At the beginning of the year, I started working with a personal trainer I have worked with before. Since I last worked with her, I have learned more about what works for me and what doesn’t, and I knew what type of workouts I wanted to do, which ones I didn’t, and what my goals are. I was really clear about all of those things upfront with her, and it felt so good to express my needs and reenter the relationship that way.
At work, I used to hang around after meetings if the team started chatting, even if I really needed to go and do other things. But now, I leave when the meeting is done if that’s what I want to do.
These are all pretty small things to speak up about, but every single one reinforced the idea that it's okay to advocate for my needs. Every time I spoke up and saw that it worked, it gave me the confidence to do it again. The better I got at speaking up about small things, the easier it became to speak up for my bigger needs.
It’s made such a difference for me—and especially at work, which is where I struggled to do this the most.
Here are some recent growth moments I’m really proud of:
I’m comfortable telling my clients that I need to end a speaking engagement at a certain time in order to be able to fly home and sleep in my own bed instead of staying another night at a hotel.
I’ve blocked a non-negotiable lunch break on my calendar every day, and I don’t schedule anything over it.
Last summer, I took five weeks off to travel with my family, and I didn’t allow anything work-related to be scheduled during that time. I have another big block of travel coming up this summer, and again, I haven’t scheduled anything over it.
I did a complete calendar audit and said no to the things that I don't have capacity or excitement for in this season of life.
I’m holding my team accountable to what we've agreed on in terms of expectations, and I have courageous conversations when things don't go according to plan.
I’m choosing deadlines that honor my bandwidth and capacity, even if it means rejecting a proposed deadline. I’ve found the courage to push back and make sure that things work for me and for the other person.
I really can’t believe how far I’ve come with this. And you know what? The world didn’t fall apart like I thought it would. I still have friends and people who like me!
Even more than that, I’ve realized something huge with this: Not only has speaking up for my needs helped me personally, but I’ve learned that when I advocate for myself, it inspires the people around me to do the same.
I want to be the kind of leader whose actions show others that they can speak up for their needs, too. It’s important because when our needs are met, we’re in a better position to show up at our best. We have more to give, and we feel better about giving it. Everyone wins.
How about you? How often do you downplay or ignore your needs in favor of appearing laid-back and easygoing? How often do you stop and think about what you actually need before saying, “I’m fine,” like I always did?
If this is an area where you struggle, something that really helped me was looking at it from the other person’s perspective. Think about the small examples I shared, like not speaking up at the nail salon or in an Uber. The person providing your service wants you to feel good about the work they’ve done. If you’re unhappy, they would likely rather you tell them that so they can make it right. Isn’t that what you would want if you were in their shoes? Honesty? The chance to make it better?
I want to know about your experience with this: Have you ever struggled with speaking up for your small needs? How about your bigger ones? Where do you struggle the most? If you’ve gotten better at it, what helped? Hit reply and let me know.
No matter what, it’s possible to speak up for what you need and to do it with compassion and kindness. And I promise, the world will not fall apart if you advocate for yourself. If anything, you will build a better world around you by inspiring those around you to care for themselves, too.
You’ve got this, I’ve got this, we’ve got this!
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Big hugs,
