Owning your strengths—and their shadow sides
I recently had a wonderful conversation with my husband, Spiros. We were talking about the balance of being who we each authentically are and appreciating that in one another while also owning what we need to work on to be better for each other. It was really interesting, and it made me think about the ways we show up in the other relationships in our lives, and especially at work.
I believe in a world in which every person feels empowered to be authentically themselves, no matter who or where they are. To me, a big part of being authentic means sharing your unique strengths—your biggest gifts—with the world. But I’ve also learned from my relationship with Spiros and with my team that we must be mindful of our strengths and how we harness them. Our strengths can have “shadow sides” that can negatively impact those around us, and it’s up to each of us to be aware of that and to work on the areas that might hurt others. It’s uncaring to say, “This is who I am. Deal with it.”
Here’s an example: I remember a time when the team gave me feedback on how one of my biggest strengths—“maximizer”—was making their jobs harder at times. According to Gallup’s StrengthsFinder, maximizers “focus on what is good and seek to transform it into something great.” Basically, I always want to make things better. If someone on our team hands in a deliverable, for example, my default is to give them feedback to make it better. Often, that’s a good thing: Through collaboration, we can take something from good to great. But there are pretty big downsides of this strength that I didn’t know about until my team brought it to my attention: They told me that it can make them feel like we're never done with a project because I’m always thinking of things we could do better or differently. They also said it makes it so that they never know how much more work there is left to do. And if I chime in with a new idea that’s actually a lot of work, it can feel defeating, especially when they’ve already worked really hard.
I had to take a hard look at myself and sit with this feedback for a while. Maximizing is something I’m good at, something that makes me authentically myself. I also know that it’s been very helpful many, many times in our business. But I had to recognize that at some point, that strength can become hurtful to others if I'm not mindful of it.
No matter what kind of relationship we’re talking about, I think it’s important to know how to balance living in your authenticity and sharing your unique strengths and being mindful of how those strengths impact people you care about. If we don’t harness our strengths intentionally, the shadow sides take over. And it’s up to us to own that and work on it.
I thought it could be helpful to walk you through each of my top five strengths and what I do to harness them. Then, I’ll share the shadow sides I need to be mindful of and what I’ve learned about them:
My biggest strength is being an activator. I love putting ideas into action and getting things done. I can do it for myself, my team, the culture of a business, you name it. For example, if someone is struggling with feedback and they're debating whether they should have a conversation about it, I can help them take action and have the conversation. I can take things from “we're thinking about it” to “we're doing it.” That means I like to move quickly—which also means I can be a bit impulsive. I’ve learned that sometimes, I need to slow down. Sometimes, the next step isn't to take action; it's to keep thinking or be patient. For people who don't move at the same pace I do, this strength can be overwhelming. Recent feedback I got from the team on this strength is that we often need my pace to keep moving forward and making progress, but I also need to be mindful of when that pace is unnecessary.
I mentioned my second biggest strength, maximizer, above. I love this strength because I can apply it to anything from projects to team dynamics, and it helps me avoid complacency. But what I’ve learned is that not everything has to be better. There is a point where I need to recognize that we’ve arrived at success, that something is great the way it is. Always trying to make things better slows down progress. It can be frustrating for the team. It makes it feel like we can’t stop working on something until it's absolutely perfect. I’ve had to learn where to maximize and where to say, you know what, we're good here. We can take the next step.
My third strength is positivity. At its best, this strength helps me create a contagious energy of optimism. I can really help people believe in themselves. I can create a culture that feels uplifting. If there's a challenge, I can help people have a better mindset to approach that challenge. The part I have to work on is this: Sometimes, people don't want optimism. They want realism. This rang true a lot in our Student Maid transition. It was such a challenging time, and at the beginning, I was leaning hard into my positivity. Over time, I had to learn that not acknowledging the hard truth of what was happening was making people feel like I was totally out of touch with them. If I only ever talked about the good parts and focused on the positive side, it would be like I’m ignoring the really difficult aspects of change we’re dealing with. I've had to learn that while I want to live in my positivity with my communication, I also want to bring in realism to balance it out.
Fourth strength: adaptability. One of the cool things about this strength is that it helps me go with the flow. No matter what kind of hiccup there is, it doesn't overwhelm me. I can figure out how to pivot. This is especially true when it comes to people: I can adapt my style based on what someone needs. I think I do a great job of meeting people where they are. But that also means that I can struggle with consistency, and I really struggle with structure and routines. There have been many times when the team adopts a new organizational system to make things more efficient, and I'm always the last adopter. I resist it the most. I've had to learn to embrace systems and structure because if we're doing everything in my adaptable way, then we’re not meeting people where they are. Some people really need that structure and that consistency. I have to find that middle point that allows me to have that go-with-the-flow way of approaching things within the structures the team needs to feel really secure.
And finally, futuristic. At its best, this strength means I'm always thinking 10 steps ahead. I'm thinking about the larger ripple effect of things. I'm thinking about where we're going with our vision. I'm thinking about the future impact of the decisions we're making today. And that's really important, especially for the visionary of a company. But sometimes, it means that I'm not in the here and now. I struggle with being in the weeds and the details. And while we need a vision for the future, we also need a vision for the present. I've had to learn to sit in that middle place, to be able to lead in the present but also to still allow myself to dream and think about the future. In the past, I would talk so much about my vision for our future that I lost the people who lacked futuristic strengths because they had trouble understanding. I had to learn to break down my vision into more attainable, concrete steps.
What I want to emphasize here is that we really can’t see these shadow sides clearly unless we're getting feedback. Something that Spiros and I have prioritized in our marriage is regular check-ins for us to evaluate how we both feel and if there are things we could each be doing better. It’s helped me see that some of my biggest strengths can sometimes cross over to being things I need to work on.
On our team, we give each other a lot of feedback. In addition to our big-picture 360 reviews every quarter, we generally address feedback within 24 hours and ask questions that can lead to really quality feedback. And through all of that, I have learned that the team wants me to live in my strengths. They want me to be my authentic self. Their feedback helps me see the specific areas within my strengths that I need to harness more intentionally so that I can continue to make the biggest positive impact.
These are the kinds of questions about ourselves that we can't answer alone. The more we know about ourselves, the more empowered we can feel to live authentically and know exactly what we need to work on to show up better for the people we care about.
Hope this gets you thinking!
Big hugs,
