Learning to break the rules I've set for myself
If you’ve followed along with my journey for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me talk about how much I enjoy and appreciate therapy. It’s something I bring up often because I don’t think enough people talk about therapy, and I think it’s one of the best things I do to invest in myself.
Recently, my therapist and I have been talking about the “rules” that we set for ourselves: Things that, somewhere along the way, we’ve told ourselves we absolutely must—or must not—do for some reason or other. Turns out that I have several of these “rules,” and they show up in all areas of my life.
Take journaling, for example. A few years ago, I developed a habit where I journal every morning. But then, I started telling myself that I must start every single day with journaling, and if I don’t, I won’t be at my best. My therapist helped me see that sometimes, that rule really stresses me out. On mornings when I don’t have a lot of time, I still try to squeeze in journaling, and I end up getting stressed out by something that is supposed to relieve stress! I’ve learned that I don’t have to start every day this way. Just like I set the rule for myself, I can choose to break it when it feels right.
While I’ve grown a lot here, there’s still one rule I have a hard time breaking: For years, I’ve told myself that I can't change my mind or go back on something I've said. I’m afraid that it will cause others to see me as unreliable or not dependable.
I know exactly where this rule started. In my first company, Student Maid, we made a commitment to “always do what we say we will do.” As the leader, I put pressure on myself to embody that, and while it made me accountable, consistent, and dependable, refusing to break this rule has also hurt me and my team.
A great example is team meetings. There have been times when I’ve committed to meeting with our team, but when the day came, I showed up really frazzled. Instead of rescheduling, I pushed through to honor my commitment at the cost of not showing up as the leader I wanted to be. There have also been times when I made decisions that I later realized weren’t the best. Even though I knew I made those decisions with all the information and context available to me at the time, I hesitated to course-correct out of fear that it would overwhelm or frustrate the team. As a result, we pushed forward on things that cost us valuable time and resources.
But this year especially, I’ve been really intentional about giving myself permission to change my mind. I’ve learned that breaking my own rules is often the best and most caring thing I can do for myself and others.
Here’s an example of a recent growth moment: Not too long ago, I had a speaking event that included a welcome reception the evening before I was supposed to speak. Normally, I show up to these things right when they start. I tell myself that I came all this way to be with this client, and in order to be seen as reliable and dependable, I need to be there right when the event starts so that I can spend as much time as I possibly can with them.
On this particular day, I was exhausted from traveling. I had just gotten to my hotel, and I felt like I needed a little more time to myself to be able to show up to this event at my best. So instead of arriving at the start, I told the client I would be there about an hour into the event.
I was really afraid to send that message. Before I sent it, I went back and forth so many times. But of course, they told me they completely understood my need to rest. They even said that my plan sounded wonderful—and I was so relieved. An hour into the event, I showed up feeling rested and rejuvenated, and I brought the energy I really wanted to bring to that gathering.
Thinking back on it now, it's amazing to me how afraid I was of breaking that commitment when, in the end, it turned out so well. My fear of my client getting upset or seeing me as unreliable didn’t come true. That, to me, is the evidence I need to remember the next time I feel this way. It will help me break that rule and unlearn these fears.
The hardest thing about breaking my rules—and something that I’ve talked a lot about with my therapist—is that when you go back on a commitment or you change your mind, people might be disappointed in you. They might be upset. They might be frustrated. And they have a right to be. But my therapist has taught me that by speaking up about changing your mind, you’re showing the other person respect. You are making the assumption that they can handle their hurt feelings and that your relationship can weather the fallout of your decision. It reminds me of our conversation about assertiveness that I wrote about a few months back.
I’m not saying that it’s always okay to cancel on people last-minute or change your mind again and again and again. Consistently acting that way does make you unreliable, and it’s also unfair and disrespectful to others. But it’s also unfair to stick with a decision you know isn’t the best and needs to change. I've learned that it's so much better to speak up as soon as you change your mind. That's actually the most caring thing you can do for the people on the other side of that decision. If you keep going down a path that you know isn’t right, you’re just wasting everyone's time and energy.
What are the rules you've set for yourself? What are the fears behind these rules, and how can you give yourself permission to break them?
I encourage you to give yourself permission to do something you think you can't or that challenges your perception of yourself and watch what happens. If it's anything like my experience, you'll notice that things only get better. Your relationships get stronger, your leadership elevates, and you feel more integrity with yourself.
It's amazing how we can unintentionally get in our own way, and it’s also amazing what can happen when we challenge that part of ourselves. Cheers to breaking your rules!
Big hugs,
