Hurt people hurt people
© Pete Longworth
Not too long ago, I was in an airport going through security. I put my bag on the security belt, and without realizing it, I bumped the hand of the man in front of me with it.
“OUCHHHHHHHH!” he yelled. (He really did yell; I can still hear his voice in my head.) His scream was so loud, everyone around us turned and stared.
“Oh my goodness, I am soooo, so, so sorry!” I immediately said. I was shocked by his reaction. It was clearly an accident.
He continued yelling. “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU JUST DID?!” His voice got even louder. “HOW ABOUT YOU PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BAG?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
From what I could see, my bag had barely touched his hand. I would be annoyed if someone bumped my hand, too, but this seemed like an overreaction. Still, I felt horrible. He was so upset and he was clearly hurting. Who was I to say whether he was truly injured or not?
I kept apologizing profusely, and he just kept screaming at me. Even after we got through security, he continued to follow me and scream at me as I looked for my gate. I didn’t know what to do, aside from apologize from the bottom of my heart. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and was almost in tears. I would have done anything to make him feel better, but nothing I said or did was working. I felt helpless.
There’s a phrase I like to think about in times like these: Hurt people hurt people. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know how much this sentence has helped me as a leader. It means that when someone’s emotions exceed the moment, they are likely hurting inside. And when someone is hurting inside, they tend to hurt those around them.
While this man was screaming at me, I tried to flip the script in my head. To me, he was overreacting, but maybe that wasn’t his whole story. I thought about what he might be going through: Maybe he has chronic pain in his hand or on his skin, and what might be a small bump to me was agony for him. Maybe he’d just gotten terrible news, or he was boarding a flight to see a loved one for the last time, and my bag touching his hand in the TSA line was just icing on the cake. In any case, he was hurting. His reaction was less about me than it was about him. He was just taking his pain out on me.
Thinking of it this way gave me the perspective shift I needed to look at him with empathy instead of the shame and embarrassment I felt. I told him again that I was deeply sorry and that I hoped his day got better, and then I went off to find my gate knowing that was all I could do. While the incident was hard to forget, I didn’t let it ruin my day. I reminded myself that he was hurting, and because of that, he took it out on me.
I thought this might be a good reminder as we go into this holiday season. We have no way to know what the people around us are going through. When someone snaps at you or is rude to you or reacts in a way that causes you pain or embarrassment that might be uncalled for, remember that they are hurting inside. Hurt people hurt people, and we should do all we can to meet them with empathy and compassion, knowing that sometimes that’s all we can really do.
Big hugs,
