How to deal with judgment as a leader
Have you ever felt judged for the way you choose to spend your workday?
I was chatting with a group of leaders recently, and this topic came up.
One of them shared that they feel their team judges them any time they leave the office “early.” They shared that the judgment feels unfair, especially because they aren’t working a shorter workday. In fact, they get to the office hours before anyone so that they can leave before the close of business to be present with their kids and in their life outside of work.
It prompted a conversation about how to navigate other people's perceptions of you as a leader, especially when it comes to how you use your time.
We agreed that this challenge is magnified by flexible or remote work environments with flexible hours, and it also comes up when we take time off. Some in the group admitted that they intentionally send emails late at night, early in the morning, or even while they’re on vacation just to prove to their teams (and bosses) that they’re committed.
I could absolutely relate to this feeling at many points in my leadership journey, and maybe you can, too. I want to share my experience and how I feel now in case you, too, have struggled with others’ perceptions of the way you work.
In the early years of my cleaning company, Student Maid, I often chose to work from home instead of our office because I could be so much more effective there. When I was in the office, people would constantly pop by to chat or ask questions, and I would get nothing done. I would constantly leave the office feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and then my work would carry into the evenings. I decided that I would start working from home in the mornings so that I could get my priorities done, and then I would go into the office to be present with the team.
As the business grew, I spent more and more time out of the office. My weeks were filled with meetings, networking events, and eventually, traveling to give speeches. I was out of the office more than I was in it, and even though I communicated often with my team about where I was and what I was working on outside of the office, there was a point where I caught rumors flying around my company that were really hurtful.
I found out that a couple of people on the team were telling others that when I wasn’t in the office, I was on vacation or lounging by a pool somewhere. It was so hurtful because it couldn’t have been further from the truth: I was working harder than I had ever worked in my life, all for my team and our business.
Those rumors made me feel like I had to show my face in the office as often as possible, despite the fact that I struggled to be productive while I was there. I felt pressured to prove to my team that I was working.
Do you think that changed the perceptions those people had of me? No. I continued to hear through the grapevine that some people still questioned how I used my time. I simply couldn’t change what they thought about me, no matter how hard I tried.
I shared my experience in my conversation with these leaders, and we began to talk about what—if anything—you can do about it when others perceive you in a way that hurts. Do you just let people talk? Do you try to change their perspective? Do you double-down on proving that you're dedicated and committed to your work? What is the answer?
Luckily for me, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way. I now have open conversations with my team about what I’m working on and when. In our weekly team meeting, we share our schedules and talk about what we have on our plates. But even before that, I eventually figured out that the only thing you have control over in these situations is your own perception of yourself.
Here’s the tough truth that I shared with the group: We can't change how other people perceive us. And really, what they think about us is none of our business.
Easier said than done, I know.
What I’ve realized over time is that the reason why people start rumors or judge you has nothing to do with you. It's about them. Something you’re doing is causing them to feel a certain way. Maybe they’re envious of the fact that you have strong boundaries or that you’re working on something that you're really excited about. Or, in the case of the leader who comes to work early and leaves early, maybe it makes their team realize that they're not prioritizing the things that matter to them outside of work. In my case, maybe some on my team resented that I had my own business and had created my own path for myself.
Instead of thinking about how others perceive us, we have to make an effort to shift our focus inward. How do we feel about how we’re using our time? How are we measuring up to our own expectations of ourselves?
To me, what’s most important is being able to put your head on your pillow at night knowing that you did your absolute best that day, that you gave everything you could, and that you're living your life in integrity with yourself.
I want to be clear that that doesn't mean that you're giving everything to work. Living in integrity with yourself means that you're prioritizing the things that matter to you outside of work, too. At the end of the day, this is your life, and you have to be the one who feels at peace with it. You have to know that you're living your values, and it’s on you to check in with yourself and make sure of it.
Thinking about it this way is really freeing. Instead of working to prove yourself to others, you’re proving to yourself that you are living your values and staying true to what you need and want from your life. Just think about the mental and emotional energy you’ll save by not trying to change someone's perception of you. You’ll have so much more energy to put toward something that could actually make a positive difference.
Another hard truth? We can work hard every single day of our lives, and there will still be people who just don’t see it. They will always have that negative perception—because it’s about them. And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. Even when people had that perception of me in my own company, they didn't quit over it. I didn’t lose people because they didn’t see me in the office every day. That was their own thing that they had to deal with within themselves.
I know that cultivating this kind of mindset is so much easier said than done, but it really is so freeing. The person whose opinion you should value the most is yours. Focus on checking in with yourself, and make the necessary adjustments to ensure that you feel good about the way that you are working and living your life. As long as you check those boxes, that’s what matters.
What came up for you as you read this post? Have you struggled with the perceptions of others at work? How have you learned to navigate that? Hit “reply” and tell me all about it!
Big hugs,
