Don’t wait for them to ask: How to help someone who is overwhelmed

My bonus daughter recently reminded me of a really important leadership lesson.

Let me set the stage: It’s a weeknight, and we’re both working at the kitchen table. I’m prepping for speeches, and she’s attempting to do her homework.

I’m tapping away on my laptop, and at some point, I look over and see that she is just sitting there, frozen. She’s staring at a worksheet, pencil in hand, brow furrowed, lost in thought.

I recognized that look immediately because it’s something I’ve felt plenty of times: She was completely overwhelmed. She was looking at her homework like she had no idea where to start.

Instead of asking her if she needed help, I skipped that step and said, “I can tell you're overwhelmed, so we’re going to do this together.” With my support, she was able to take the first step on her homework, which led to her getting to a place where she could make progress. Within an hour, her homework was done and she wasn't overwhelmed anymore.

What happened to my bonus daughter has happened to me many times in my journey as a leader and entrepreneur. I’ve faced moments so overwhelming that the thought of taking time to stop, figure out what is overwhelming me the most, and ask someone to help me felt too daunting. Instead, I kept my head down and tried to continue to push through. But inevitably, doing so only ever caused me to get more overwhelmed.

In those moments, I have always appreciated when someone close to me senses my overwhelm, inserts themselves, and helps me without asking. It sounds kind of strange to put it that way because it goes against our social norms, right? We’ve been taught that leadership isn’t butting in and taking over—and in most cases, I agree with that. But there are also times when the best thing we can do for someone is step in and help before they’ve asked for it. 

A great example that happens often in my work is when I have calls with clients where we talk about logistics for events. I do not thrive in the details—my strengths are in the big picture and the overall content for the event—so I can easily get bogged down by things like travel plans and timing logistics. Our Chief of Operations, Cheyenne, is often on those calls with me. After each call, we have a debrief, and she can always sense when I am completely overwhelmed by the details. She will immediately jump in and say, “I will handle this, this, and this for you.” She doesn't wait for me to ask; she just tells me what she's going to take over. I always feel an immediate sense of relief because in those moments, I don’t even know how to ask for help. I don’t even know where to start! 

It happens in my personal life, too. When my husband and I started remodeling our new house, I thought I would really enjoy the process. I quickly realized how many details there were and how many decisions needed to be made, and I felt like I was in over my head. The last thing I thought about doing was saying that out loud. I thought the only way to feel less overwhelmed was to keep making decisions. Then, one day, my husband looked at me and said, “I'm going to take the lead on making decisions for the house.” It was the biggest gift. If he hadn’t stepped in, I don't know that I would have ever known how to ask for his help.

I’ve grown a lot in this area over the years. When I know I’m facing something that could trigger my overwhelm, I challenge myself to think about it and ask, “Is this something that only I can do?” When the answer is no, I proactively delegate. At the same, though, I'm still a human being. I still have moments where I get in over my head and thinking feels hard. I need someone to step in and lead me. 

The thing is, we all have the power to be that leader for someone. We just have to be aware, be curious, and be willing to step up before we’re asked. 

We can also identify opportunities for people to help each other: One thing you can do is incorporate a check-in question in your meetings. Ask people to report on their current work capacity on a scale of one to ten. Ten means you're so overwhelmed you can't see straight, and one means you’ve got all the time in the world and you could take on so much more. 

What happens when you do a check-in where someone is a nine and someone else is a two? You have an opportunity to reshift some priorities. The person who's a two can help the person who's a nine by taking things off their plate. Adding a check-in question like this to your meetings can help people see the places where they can step in and help or lead someone.

The next time you notice that someone is feeling overwhelmed, what would happen if instead of saying, “Hey, if you need any help, I'm here,” you said, “I see that you’re going through it, and I’m going to take this off your plate”?

Imagine the difference that could make. 

Big hugs,

Kristen

P.S. When I started to think about the theme of this post, it made me smile because it reminded me of a time when the team took the lead and wrote a blog post for me when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. In case you want to read it, here it is!