Dammit Doll
I recently worked with a team that needed help moving forward in the midst of a tough time. What they had been through was completely out of their control and very, very frustrating.
It can be hard to move forward in times like these. For this particular team, they were angry and emotionally drained. Because of that, it was hard for them to regain focus, remain aligned, and take steps toward the future.
One of my favorite exercises to do when we find ourselves in a place like this is called “Dammit Doll.” Have you ever heard of it?
It involves a literal cloth doll with yarn for hair, and on the front of it is a poem that reads:
Whenever things don’t go so well and you want to hit the wall and yell,
Here’s a little Dammit Doll that you can’t do without.
Just grasp it firmly by the legs and find a place to slam it.
As you whack the stuffing out, yell, “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!”
My team and I have done this exercise during hard times in the past, and though it might feel silly at first, it ends up being really cathartic.
The way it works is that you pass the Dammit Doll from person to person (or if you are doing this virtually, you can pass it metaphorically), and when it’s your turn, you have the floor to vent any and all frustrations you want. (Sometimes people even slam the Dammit Doll against a wall!) There’s a catch: While you have the floor, no one else can say anything. No comments. No feedback. No judgment. It’s your time to say whatever you need to say aloud. Then, you pass it to someone else so that they can say their piece.
This isn’t just a venting session, though. After each person has shared their frustrations and feelings, we make a collective agreement to “press the reset button” and move forward together. Moving forward doesn’t mean we all have to agree on the past; that we have to find consensus on the things that happened; or that we have to minimize our feelings about what happened. It just means we agree that, in spite of everything we just acknowledged, we’re a team and we’re moving forward together.
Now, of course, there are some important ground rules to consider before playing Dammit Doll: No personal attacks. No critical feedback directed toward one person (better to handle this in a private setting). The things we vent about in Dammit Doll sessions are the things we can’t control–like a pandemic, for example–or the feelings and frustrations we have about a situation that are preventing us from moving on. It’s about releasing our feelings about things that upset us that aren’t anyone’s fault or that have no simple or immediate solutions. It’s about creating the space for people to talk about how they feel, acknowledge those feelings, and realize they aren’t alone. It’s venting with purpose.
You can do your own version of Dammit Doll anytime you want. You don’t need an actual doll to do it. What are you frustrated about right now? What’s keeping you up at night? What’s something outside of your control that you wish could be different? Try setting a timer and taking a couple minutes to get all your frustrations out—write them down, say them out loud, whatever feels best to you—and then keep on keepin’ on. I promise it’ll make you feel better.
Big hugs,
Kristen
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