7 Habits For Growth
Last week, I spoke to a team about personal growth.
First, I shared that we must understand what gets in the way of our growth.
In one of my favorite books, The War of Art, author Steven Pressfield says that we have two lives: The life we are living, and the unlived life within us. What stands between the two is something he calls “resistance.” Resistance, he says, is self-perpetuated. I think it’s linked to fear: It could be a fear of failure (what if I don’t get the results I’m hoping for?), a fear of success (what if I actually reach the goal?), a fear of not being good enough (what if I don’t have the skills to make it happen?), a fear of judgement (what will others think?), and more. The key is understanding the fears that may be causing you to resist taking steps toward living the unlived life within you.
One of my favorite parts in the book is the connection the author makes between fear and love. He makes the case that fear shows we care: If we didn’t care about something deep down inside, the feeling wouldn’t be fear . . . it’d be indifference. What if what you fear is where you might be meant to go? What if the point isn’t to get rid of fear . . . but to move forward despite it? My, how that changes everything.
Once we understand what is behind our resistance and once we are willing to take action and move forward in spite of our fears, we can then focus on what I call the 7 Habits for Growth:
Slow down: In a world that constantly tells us to go, go, go, I think it’s so important that we pause. That we take the time to think. That we take the time to live in the question and not always feel the urge to solve something immediately. That we understand the more we give ourselves the space to think and reflect, the better the answers we will find.
Fail: When we fall down, we have an incredible chance to learn and grow . . . so long as we use it. I think it’s important to get in the habit of unpacking failures when they happen: What happened? Why? What was my part in it? What can I take from this? What can I do differently because of this? If we can think about it this way, it isn't failure . . . it’s growth. On the opposite end, if we aren’t falling down, are we giving ourselves the chance to learn? Or might we be playing it too safe?
Focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses: Our strengths are what make us unique. They are our gifts, our talents, our superpowers. The more we can own these and learn how to harness them, the further we will go and the larger impact we will have. That means we have to fight the urge to compare ourselves to others and spend loads of time trying to improve our weaknesses. I believe that someone who has natural strengths in areas where you do not will always be better than you are in those areas. The same is true about your strengths and the areas where they are weak. I’m not saying we should ignore our weaknesses altogether: I think that when it comes to the amount of energy we put into improving our weak areas and understanding how to unleash our superpowers, the latter deserves more. I read this in Think Like A Monk, and I’ll never forget it: “Our limitations make space for the gifts of other people.” When we stick to our strengths, we give others the chance to grow, and when they stick to their strengths, they give us the chance to do the same.
Put yourself first: I’ve had to spend a lot of time reframing this idea for myself because for a majority of my journey, I have felt like this sentence is selfish—that when you care about others, you put them first, and your needs come last. But I’ve learned that if I’m not at my best personally, not only am I not in a place to grow, but I’m also not in a place to serve others and help them grow. When we neglect our needs, we can get to a place of burnout or a place that brings on feelings of resentment, both of which may prevent us from moving forward and may have a negative ripple effect on those we serve. I believe that it is key that we understand what we need to be at our best: What are your energy-givers? Are you setting boundaries around your energy-drainers? What does your ideal morning routine look like? Are you scheduling time in your day for you, just like you would for anyone else?
Focus more on today than on the future: I’ve learned that things don’t go according to plan, and that is the plan. We can make the best plan in the world for 5 years down the road, and it may not happen anything like we thought it would. I love thinking futuristically and I’m not against articulating a vision and a plan to go along with it, but I think most of our energy should be devoted to the here and now. I tend to think: How can I make this the most impactful day? What are three things I can accomplish today that will help me move closer to what I envision for myself? What is one step I can take right now that will make tomorrow better than today?
Outgrow: I feel like we don’t really talk about this aspect of growth: That in order to grow, we need to leave something behind; we need to evolve. It might mean that we outgrow a mindset that is holding us back. It might mean that we outgrow relationships that aren’t serving us. It might mean that we outgrow an aspect of our jobs, or a role, or an organization. It might mean that we make the decision to stop focusing in one area so we can begin focusing elsewhere. Jim Collins calls it a “Stop Doing List,” and Dr. Henry Cloud calls it identifying your Necessary Endings. I think it’s healthy to question what might not be serving us anymore and what we need to let go of in order to continue evolving.
Define growth on your own terms: This is your life. This is your story. Only you get to define what growth and success look like for you. It might not look anything like what your family, friends, or colleagues expect it to look like. It may not be what others want for themselves. That’s okay. What we don’t want to do is end up in what I call “what-if land.” We don’t want to reflect on our lives and think, What if I had listened to my heart? What if I had had the courage to go for it? What if I hadn’t cared so much about the opinions of others? We don’t want to get to a point where we realize we lived according to everyone else’s version of success instead of our own. This is your growth and your life, and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else as long as it makes sense to you.
I’m curious about what you think. Which of these habits do you agree with? Disagree with? What are some of your best habits for personal growth?
Hugs through the screen,
Kristen
PS: I’m excited to introduce a new format for our weekly LIVE show, which takes place this Wednesday (and every Wednesday!) at 11 a.m. ET! I’ll be interviewing some of my most favorite inspiring humans and leaders. Every week, there will be a surprise guest (or guests), and you never know who! The one thing you can always count on is that it'll get real. Join us for REAL TALK every Wednesday by registering here: https://bit.ly/3kWe2kT. Hope to see you there!
