Why it’s important for leaders to model self-compassion
For a big part of my leadership journey, I worked as hard as I could to embody the myth of the “strong” leader. I never asked for help. I never admitted weakness. I always, always did what I said I was going to do, even if it meant sacrificing my own wellbeing. I pushed myself to limits that weren't human. I operated like this because I thought that’s what strong leadership meant.
It wasn’t until years later that I started to understand the dark side of this behavior. During a team review, someone on my team told me that she felt she could never measure up to me because I never seemed to falter. I always appeared so capable, so put-together, that it made her feel like she wasn’t cut out to be a leader. Even though I’d written a whole book about screwing up and getting things wrong, she still saw me as someone who could handle things all by herself and who never let the hard parts of leadership get her down.
I was shocked. I never thought that appearing strong could be a bad thing. I thought my team needed me to appear strong, even when I didn’t feel strong inside.
I sat with this feedback for a long time. It went against everything I thought I knew about leadership, and it really made me think.
Then, I had my ah-ha moment: My team didn’t need me to be strong. They needed me to admit when I was struggling and ask for help. They needed me to show that I didn’t have it all together all the time. They needed me to say no to things when I was at capacity. Because if they saw their leader do these things, that meant they had permission to do them, too.
It wasn’t enough for me to tell my team that we had a culture of grace and compassion. I had to model it. I had to show them what it looked like to show compassion—and I had to start with myself.
I acknowledged to my team that for so long, what I showed on the outside wasn't always what I felt or what was happening on the inside. And from then on, I started to change the story I told others: I stopped putting myself last, and I started asking for help. Instead of holding it in when I felt overwhelmed, I spoke up. Instead of saying yes to things I didn’t have capacity to do, I held my boundaries and said no. And I watched the change I inspired: The more grace I showed myself, the more grace others showed themselves.
These days, I still model self-compassion every chance I get. And it doesn’t always look like some grand gesture of self-care; sometimes, it looks like leading a meeting from a nail salon . . . really! Right before our last Human Leadership Program, I broke off one of my nails. Like, right in half. And it was so irritating. I literally couldn’t stop looking at it and thinking about it. I knew that if I didn’t get it fixed that morning, I wouldn’t have another chance before the program, and it would bother me the whole time—but we were supposed to have a team meeting, and I was supposed to be leading it. In the past, I wouldn’t have even considered going to the nail salon and calling in from there. That didn’t align with the “put together” leader. Now, I knew better: I gave the team a disclaimer ahead of time and told them I’d be Zooming in while getting my nail fixed. The meeting went wonderfully.
It might sound so silly and small to you, but my broken nail was a big deal to me. It threw off my whole day. I knew that if I just went and took care of it, I would feel better, and I would show up better for everyone I interacted with that day. If it were anyone else on the team, that’s exactly what I would want them to do. I want to create the kind of environment where people feel like they can care for themselves in the ways that are important to them—and by Zooming in from the nail salon, not only was I giving myself grace and compassion, I was modeling what I hope those on our team will do when they inevitably have challenging moments, big or small.
As a team, we also model compassion for ourselves and for others in a really practical way: our 1-10 check-in. If you’re unfamiliar, here’s how it works: At the start of all our meetings, I ask our team to rate on a scale of 1-10 how they’re doing at work and outside of work, and then they have time to explain why. That’s how we learn what’s happening at home and how that might be connected to the way people are showing up at work and vice versa.
The check-in helps take the “pulse” of the team and see where everyone is coming from that day. It gives us each the opportunity to show up authentically and speak up when something isn’t going well at work or at home—including me. I, as the leader, can be honest and say, “Today, I’m a 6,” instead of keeping those feelings inside and pretending I’m doing great. My team can make space for that, and I can do the same for them.
What I’ve come to understand is that, as leaders, if we pretend to have it all together all the time and never admit when we’re struggling, we send the message that everyone else has to pretend, too. If we are always “put together,” then we are never human. When we let our guard down, have the courage to be honest and authentic, and give ourselves compassion and grace, it becomes contagious. We give the people around us the permission to show up in the same way and we change the narrative—together.
I want to hear from you: How do you show yourself compassion? How do you model it for others? How do you model it as a team?
Hope this gets you thinking!
Big hugs,
