Why I’m working on becoming more assertive
In a recent session with my therapist, we determined that I have a fear of being assertive. No doubt this has affected me not only in my life, but also in my leadership.
When we talked about what might be behind that fear, I found myself connecting it to my biggest limiting belief: that it’s my job to make people happy. I’m afraid that if I’m assertive, I might hurt people's feelings, make them unhappy, or say or do something that causes someone not to like me. I associate assertiveness with negative words like rude, overbearing, and unkind, so in my mind, being assertive equates to making people unhappy.
I want to work through this fear because I know it’s holding me back. I know that assertiveness isn’t all bad; in fact, it can be a huge asset. And while I’m more assertive than I was in the early days of my leadership journey, it’s an area where I’d still like to grow.
When I told my therapist this in our session, her initial response was to encourage me to think about being assertive as being an advocate for myself. It means being kind to myself by owning my decisions and actions, knowing what I want, and taking action.
She asked me if I could think of a time recently when I hadn’t advocated for myself. I came up with this example almost immediately: A few weeks ago, my husband and bonus daughter wanted to go for a run/bike ride, and they invited me to go with them. I really didn't want to go, and I felt bad about that. I didn't want to hurt my family, and I thought they might be upset that I didn't want to spend time with them. That was the story I was telling myself, anyway. The truth was I just didn't feel like going. But instead of speaking up about that, I went, and I was resentful and miserable the whole time. I ruined it for them and for myself.
My therapist and I talked about how even though I knew deep down that it would have been so much better if I had just spoken up for what I needed and opted out, I didn’t because I was afraid of upsetting my family. But in the end, I upset them—and myself—anyway, didn’t I?
My therapist said that often, we make up stories about how other people might react to our choices that just aren’t true. And actually, by refusing to assert our needs, we’re assuming that other people can't handle our decisions. We're making it so that they don’t have to deal with our decisions at all instead of extending them trust and respect.
I never thought about it like that: Being assertive can be an act of respect. I can own my decisions and my actions, and I can trust that others can own their reactions to these decisions. The tricky part, though, is that that still doesn't eliminate my fear of upsetting others. My decisions can still have unpleasant or uncomfortable consequences. So what I really need to work on is sitting in the discomfort that might come from asserting my own needs.
To help me work on this, my therapist suggested that if I’m in a situation like this in the future, I could try saying something like, “I have a fear that I just want to put out there. I’m afraid that if I don't do this, you will be upset with me. Is that true, or is that just a story I am telling myself?”
After our therapy session, I talked to my husband about this and asked what he would have thought if I’d said I didn’t want to come on the run/bike ride that day. He said he would have totally supported my choice. In fact, he would have preferred that I didn’t come along if I genuinely didn’t want to go.
So it really was just a story I was telling myself. My fear of making others unhappy prevented me from speaking up for what I really wanted.
This discussion with my therapist helped me see a pattern in my life where I allow others’ feelings to get in the way of speaking up for what I really want. I try to protect people from the disappointment of decisions that I make, and therefore, I'm not treating them with the utmost level of respect and trust. Some examples of this pattern: When I realize that I don't have capacity for a meeting, I fear canceling or rescheduling it. When I’ve worked with someone in the past, I feel pressure to honor an outdated price, even if my rates have increased. In discussions, I fear challenging the group with an opinion that might be different. Even though I’ve worked hard to grow in these areas in recent years, this session made me realize that I have a lot more growing to do.
I’ve realized, though, that I don’t have to choose between being assertive and being compassionate. Both can be true at the same time. I can speak up for what I need—in other words, show compassion for myself—while also considering how others feel. I can say, “I really don’t have the capacity to do this. I understand that might not be what you want to hear, and I respect that. I just don’t want to put myself in a situation where I can’t give you my best. I hope you understand.”
For me, the bottom line is that I really want to be in integrity with myself. I want to treat others with trust and respect by giving them the chance to handle decisions that I make instead of trying to project my own feelings and fears onto them. It's kind and compassionate for me and for the people on the other side.
My therapist shared a resource with me that I want to share with you in case you, too, struggle with being assertive at times. I printed it out, and I have it on my desk to remind myself that sometimes, the kindest and most compassionate thing you can do is be assertive. It’s called “Your Bill of Assertive Rights,” and it’s from The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson, PhD:
YOUR BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
You have the right to judge your own behaviors, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
You have the right to change your mind.
You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
You have the right to say “I don’t know.”
You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
You have the right to say “I don’t understand.”
You have the right to say “I don’t care.”
You have the right to say “no.”
You have the right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing.
You have the right to take the time you need to respond.
You have the right to disagree with others regardless of their position or numbers.
You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately.
You have the right to ask questions.
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to ask for what you want.
You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions and your life.
You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty.
Do you struggle with being assertive? How might it hold you back? Let's work on it together!
Big hugs,
