The pressure of being “on”

I’m back from my solo retreat to Mexico! It was everything I hoped it would be and more. A whole week away from everything—just me, myself and I. No cell service. No tech. Lots of books and time with myself. You can see a sneak peek of my experience here!

I took this retreat in an effort to avoid burnout this year. And that relates to the topic I want to explore today: It’s about the pressure we all feel at times to be “on.” I want to start by sharing a recent experience:

Several weeks ago, I showed up to a team meeting feeling absolutely spent.

I was in the middle of a super-packed couple of weeks of travel and speaking events, and although I’d been getting a reasonable amount of sleep every night and I was taking care of my body, I barely had it in me to show up to that meeting as my usual energetic self.

Our team always begins our meetings by rating how we’re feeling at work and outside of it on a scale of 1 to 10. At the beginning of this meeting in particular, I told the team that I couldn’t tell if my score was a 5 or a 10. It wasn’t that I felt unhappy with my job. In fact, I felt truly fulfilled by the work I’d done recently. I felt like I’d really made an impact. But I also felt like I’d spent all of my energy doing it. I felt like I had nothing left to give that week.

As I talked about how I felt with my team, I realized that what I was struggling with was the pressure of being “on.” You probably know what I mean: It’s that pressure you feel to be at your best, most sociable self; to drive the energy in a room; and to leave people feeling happy and satisfied with your interaction. Most of my job involves being paid to address rooms of people—big rooms, small rooms, Zoom rooms—and I know that the energy I bring into those rooms affects the energy of every single person in them. Because of that, I’m very intentional about the energy I bring, and I do everything I can to protect my energy so that I can give people the absolute best I can give. And after days and days and days of doing that . . . I could feel how much energy I had exerted.

But you know what? I knew I could be honest with my team about how I was feeling in our meeting. I knew I could share a disclaimer that I just wasn’t feeling up to being the one to bring the energy, and I’m so grateful for that safe space. 

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way at times. In fact, I recently talked about this with my trainer, and she said she feels the pressure to be “on” in every one of her training sessions. Her job is to encourage her clients and help motivate them through their workouts, and that takes a lot of energy day in and day out. She loves every moment of her job . . . and . . . she said she sometimes wishes she could have a day where she didn’t have to be the person driving the energy.

It’s not like my trainer doesn’t like her job or that I don't like my job. We both love our jobs. I can’t imagine doing anything else. But when you're doing work that you really care about and that you put your whole heart into, it can take a lot out of you. Some days, you find that you’re just emotionally, physically, and energetically spent.

I say all of this not because I think it’s a problem that needs to be solved. It’s just a tension that we've got to manage.

One way we can manage it is through the same kind of check-ins that I do with my team. It sounds so simple, but asking someone to rate how they’re feeling allows you to get your finger on the “pulse” of your team. It helps you understand how each person is showing up and what you can—or can’t—expect from them at that moment.

The flip side of that, of course, is having the courage to be vulnerable about how you’re feeling. You might think that it's less intimidating to pretend to be “on” when you’re not feeling it than to admit that you’re fatigued. But I would argue that in the end, you are only making things harder for yourself. It’s physically impossible to be “on” every minute of our lives. Even in my job as a speaker, I give myself grace whenever possible. I’ve started speeches before by being honest about where I am emotionally and energetically. I’ve talked about how, in an effort to show up as my authentic self, I needed to share with my audience how I was really feeling. It’s not an excuse; it’s a reminder that I’m a human being. People always understand that.

I believe that it’s everyone’s responsibility to create environments where people feel safe speaking up about how they really feel. We can all be better about verbalizing where we are emotionally and energetically, and when we do, we give others permission to verbalize how they’re feeling. It also makes room for other people to step up. But none of this can happen unless one person is willing to be vulnerable and say, “This is how I'm feeling today.”

If you, too, feel the pressure to be “on,” please know that I hear you and I see you. Give yourself grace. Give yourself permission to be honest. To step back. To offer a disclaimer. You just might be the example that someone else needs to see.

Big hugs,

Kristen

P.S. Did you hear the news?! Our Human Leadership Program is now pay-what-you-can! If you’ve watched us share about the program and have wanted to join but cost has been an obstacle, I hope you’ll take this opportunity to sign up and join us! And if you’ve already taken the program, it would mean the world to us if you could share this news with your friends and family. All of our program dates for 2023 are now live on my website.⁣
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I truly believe that authentic, human leadership can change the world! And that we can build a better world at work . . . together 🧡 Will you join us?