The little yeses add up
You’ve probably noticed a recurring theme in my blog posts these last several months: I’ve been writing a lot about how I’ve been relearning to prioritize my time and energy, set boundaries that help me care for myself better, and honor my capacity and my limits.
Throughout this journey, one of the things I’ve struggled with the most is how to handle small requests that come from people who are not my clients or my team.
By “small requests,” I mean the favors that people ask of you that don’t seem like they would take much time or energy. Usually, for me, it’s things like, “Can I interview you for a few minutes about this topic?” or, “Can I pick your brain and get some feedback about this thing I am struggling with?” or, “Can you take a look at this and let me know what you think?”
The thing about requests like these is that on the surface, they look like simple, small asks. Especially when words like "quick" or “a few minutes” come with them.
Adam Grant is one of my favorite authors, and he wrote a book called Give and Take that I read a long time ago. One part really stood out to me: He said that if a request will take you five minutes or less to fulfill, just do it and help the person who is asking you. Be generous and give without expecting anything in return.
I really took that message to heart. I want to be a generous, caring, helpful leader and person, so I’ve spent years trying to embody the spirit of this message by saying “yes” to the little things more often than not.
Living this way has been really meaningful. It’s also become increasingly harder to do.
The more intentional I become about how I use my time, the more I can’t ignore a tough reality: Those five-minute asks really add up. First, they rarely take five minutes. For each one, I spend time thinking about the request, responding to it, and scheduling it, which is already more than five minutes right there. Then, I spend time mentally gearing up to fulfill the request, actually fulfilling it, and then decompressing afterward. I have multiple people reaching out with these “five-minute” asks within any given week.
What I’ve realized is that if I help every person who asks something of me, I simply will not have time for the things that I need to do for me, my team, and our company. And I know from experience that that is how you put yourself on a fast track to burnout and resentment.
Okay, before I write this next part, I want you to know that I love Adam Grant and I am a huge fan of his work. I totally understand and respect the powerful message he shared in Give and Take. And. And, and, and: If I want to continue to show up as my best, I am learning that I have to say no to a lot of the small stuff—not every time, but most times. In order to stay focused on my top priorities, help the people who depend on me, and make the kind of impact I want to make, I have to set and stick to boundaries that protect my ability to do that.
Even though I know that that’s what I need to do, it is still so hard to turn down small asks. Do you ever struggle with it like I do?
I think I know why it’s hard for me, and I wonder if this resonates with you:
When someone reaches out to me with a big request—something that will take a lot of my time and energy—I tend to give it a lot of consideration before I give an answer. I really think about the impact it will have and whether I have the capacity to do it and do it well. Whenever I go through this process and find that my answer is no, it’s relatively easy for me to turn it down. In those cases, I also think about how the person asking probably understands that they’re asking a lot of me, so a “no” won’t be that surprising to them.
But to me, the small requests feel totally different.
When someone asks me to do something “small,” I think about how they likely believe that what they’ve asked isn’t a huge use of my time or energy, and so they may have a heightened expectation that my answer will be yes. Saying no could mean disappointing them or even ruining their perspective of me as a compassionate and generous person. It makes me feel guilty.
In these moments, I remind myself that saying yes when I really don’t have the capacity to do it hurts me and the person asking me. By saying yes to them, I’m saying no to myself and what I need. And then that can make me feel stressed or resentful that I’m spending my time on something I really don’t have capacity for in the first place. There is no way I can give my best when I am operating from that kind of headspace.
So now, when I get a small request that I don’t have capacity for, I’m candid about it. I usually say something like, “I would love to support you. I’m in a season where I don’t have the capacity to do this. Please know that I am hugely rooting for you and your success!” Most of the time, people understand. It’s very rare that I get a response from someone who feels upset or let down. And even if someone does feel let down, that’s okay. They have a right to be. It doesn’t affect my choice because I know that I am making the decision that is going to allow me to show up as my best where it counts the most for me. No one deserves less than the best I can give them.
I still really believe in Adam’s advice: It’s important to be generous with our time. I’ll add a twist to it: If helping someone comes at the expense of your own needs or priorities, say that you can’t, and be honest about why. You never know—maybe by holding your boundary, you will inspire someone else to set and hold boundaries of their own.
I’m curious: Do you struggle with saying yes to too many small things? How do you handle these small requests? I’d love to know. Hit “reply” and tell me more!
Big hugs,
