How to give clear and compassionate feedback in tough situations

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Have you ever given feedback that turned out to be so direct that it was hurtful? What about really vague or “cushioned” feedback that was buried in so many words that the other person didn’t understand your feedback at all? Have you ever avoided giving someone feedback because you feared it would hurt your relationship with them?

I can say “yes” to all of these situations. As I’ve said many times, feedback is hard, no matter how often you give it. But I do it because I know that it builds trust, clears up misunderstandings, lets people know where they stand, helps people work more efficiently and effectively, and so much more.

I talk a lot about why feedback matters, but in this post, I want to try something a little different. I want to show you what it looks like—literally—to deliver clear, honest, compassionate feedback using real-life examples.

Below are three feedback scenarios. Under each one, I wrote about why it might be hard for us to give feedback in this situation and what would make us want to avoid it. Then, I gave an example of clear and compassionate feedback for this situation. After you read my examples, think about how you might respond in these situations.

Scenario 1: Steve is a teammate you enjoy working with, but you have noticed that he has really bad body odor. You know you aren't the only one who notices it because you've heard other coworkers complaining about it. This is a really delicate situation, and the last thing you want to do is hurt Steve’s feelings because you really care about him. You know that you would want someone to tell you if you were in his position. How would you handle this?

Yikes. Awkward, right? When you need to give feedback about someone’s performance, it’s pretty clear-cut. But when you need to address something related to behavior, personality, or personal habits . . . These are the situations that are the most uncomfortable to address and that make us want to avoid feedback at all costs. But you know what? As leaders, we run into sticky situations like this all the time. We often walk this fine line of wanting to address it to help the person and not wanting to hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable. Here’s my suggestion for clear, compassionate feedback for Steve:

Steve, I have something to share that’s really hard for me to say and may be uncomfortable to hear, but I want you to know that it’s coming from a place of me caring so much about you: I’m concerned about your personal hygiene. I’ve noticed that you have body odor, and it’s affecting me, our team, and our customers. I would want someone to tell me, so that’s why I’m telling you.

Scenario 2: You notice that your leader has a habit of overstepping and micromanaging the details in team meetings. As a result, you don’t feel trusted or empowered in your role, and you’re frustrated. You know that others feel the same way. How would you handle this?

Guess what? I’ve been this leader, and my team gave me feedback about this very situation. I know it was hard for them to do because giving feedback “up” can be really intimidating. It’s even more intimidating if you have a strict workplace hierarchy and you don’t have a strong relationship with your leader. But giving your leader feedback can be one of the best ways to build trust. For me, I trust the people who are the most open with me. And remember: Your leader is human. If other people are observing this behavior and no one else has the courage to speak up about it, how will this leader ever grow? Not every leader will be open to feedback, of course, and I wish that weren't the case. But I also believe that we should give people a chance to grow and help them become aware of their behavior and the impact they might not know it's having. Here’s my suggestion:

I have something difficult I’d like to share with you. I thought about not sharing it, but I want to be honest with you. I felt frustrated in our meeting today when you stepped in and took control of the conversation, especially because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. Each time you step in, it makes me question if you trust me, and I fear that this time, it may have caused others on the team to question me as well. I know that wasn’t your intention, but I wanted to be honest with you about the impact that had on me and on the team. Can you help me understand why you feel stepping in is necessary?

Scenario 3: There is someone you work closely with who doesn’t respond to feedback well. They get defensive and sometimes shut down in the conversation. You're feeling stuck because you know that giving feedback is important for building trust in any relationship, but it doesn’t appear that this person is receptive to feedback at all, and it makes you not want to give it to them. How would you handle this situation?

When someone responds defensively, it can make us never want to give them feedback again. But I’ve learned that the way a person reacts to feedback has less to do with me and a lot more to do with what’s going on below the surface. For example, if you’ve taken our Human Leadership Program, you know that there might be all kinds of personal narratives at play in this conversation (such as, “I’m not good enough” or “I need to be perfect,” for example). Even though it’s hard, I try to have empathy and compassion for someone who is defensive because it may not be completely in their control. That being said, I think it’s important in these situations to give that person feedback about the way they respond to feedback. No doubt it’s affecting the relationship you have with them and the relationship they have with others, so it’s important to address. Here’s how I would approach it:

I’ve been thinking a lot about our recent feedback conversations, and I have some feedback I’d like to share with you about them. I often leave our conversations feeling defeated when you shut down or become defensive about my feedback. The impact is that it prevents me from wanting to be honest with you. I care about you, your growth, and our relationship, and I want us to work even better together. Can you help me understand what makes these conversations difficult for you? Is there a way I can change how I’m giving you the feedback so it is better received?

And there we have it! I hope these examples help you think about how you might approach difficult conversations in your own life.

I want you to think about a conversation you are putting off. Ask yourself why that might be. Remember: If we care about someone, the most caring thing we can do is to have the conversation. Feedback is uncomfortable. It's still uncomfortable for me, and I teach people how to give it almost every day. But I know that if I can deliver my feedback with compassion and clarity, it’s an act of caring, and it could be the very thing that builds trust.

If you would like more tools for giving (and receiving) feedback, download our feedback resource that can help you with any feedback conversations you may have coming up.

I'm proud of you for putting your care for others above staying in your comfort zone. That is what leadership is all about! 

Big hugs,

Kristen

P.S. Did you see our big announcement last week?! In case you didn't, here it is!

Our Human Leadership Program is now pay-what-you-can! If you’ve watched us share about the program and have wanted to join but cost has been an obstacle, I hope you’ll take this opportunity to sign up and join us! And if you’ve already taken the program, it would mean the world to us if you could share this news with your friends and family. All of our program dates for 2023 are now live on my website.⁣
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I truly believe that authentic, human leadership can change the world! And that we can build a better world at work . . . together 🧡 Will you join us?