10 lessons learned from a year of marriage
I can’t believe that this weekend, Spiros and I will have been married for a whole year!
This time last October, I was writing this post about our journey as a couple, and I remember how special it was to reflect on our lives together in the weeks leading up to our wedding.
In the spirit of reflection, I thought it’d be special to sum up the 10 lessons I've learned in our first year of marriage that I think can apply to any partnership. I really enjoyed reflecting on this, and it made me realize just how much Spiros and I have grown together in the last year.
So, here we go:
1. Look to your values
In the face of inevitable challenges, your values are your compass. When I think about the challenges that popped up in our first year of marriage, our values are what guided us and helped us find our footing.
We have four values that guide our relationship:
Independence and freedom: Spiros and I are fiercely independent. We like doing our own thing and don’t want to feel suffocated by our relationship. It’s important to both of us that we can do what we want, and we know our trust is what makes that possible. And because we both value independence, we encourage it in each other.
Open communication: One of my favorite things about our relationship is that Spiros and I always talk about the difficult stuff. We don’t sweep it under the rug. It’s important to both of us to keep an open dialogue and to address our frustrations when we have them so that they don’t build up and become something bigger.
Growth: Spiros and I both work to become better today than we were yesterday. We are passionate about growing as people and also about growing our impact and our careers. We never feel threatened by each other’s career or ambition, and we support each other’s dreams, even if they require sacrifice.
Integrity: This is the most important value to us. Without integrity, we have nothing. It’s the foundation of our relationship. We commit to being honest with each other, to being consistent, to doing what’s right, and to doing what we say we will do—always.
2. Be each other’s biggest cheerleader
This has been a big year for both of us professionally. I have continued to navigate the Student Maid transition, which has meant stepping into a new chapter in my career. I think about how many times the transition felt so daunting to me and how Spiros encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and chase the thing my heart was calling me to do. I think about the new business growing at a pace faster than I could have predicted and how it’s taken me away from him at times. He’s never once made me feel guilty. He’s cheered me on every step of the way. I honestly don’t think I would have had the courage to go for it—and to keep going for it—if it weren’t for his support.
Spiros has also had a big year. He accepted a promotion to be the Program Director of the neurosurgery department at his hospital, which means he is now responsible for resident curriculum and the experience and training the program provides. At the same time, he is growing the scope of his research scope and lab in addition to growing his surgery caseload. He has spent many evenings and weekends preparing for these big career changes, and I’m so happy for him.
3. Lean into strengths
I’ve always thought of this in the business sense—knowing your strengths and leaning into what you are great at and what you aren’t—but I never really thought about it in a marriage until this year. Spiros and I bought a home several months ago, and as we start the long process of remodeling it, it’s become very clear where his strengths are and where mine are not. Right now, we are working with architects and managing lots of details, and that is so not something I’m good at. I get easily overwhelmed. Spiros, on the other hand, is thriving in this part of the project. He loves it—thank goodness!
It’s been really freeing to know that in the areas where I am weak, Spiros can carry us. At some point, when my strengths come in, I can carry us.
4. Take time to connect
This doesn’t just happen, especially when we are both so busy. And this year, with our career growth and new house, it feels like we’re busier than ever. When we first got married, we were both really good about a weekly date night and spending quality time together on the weekends. But then, there came a time when we didn’t prioritize that and hardly spent any time together. We both felt it, and we made a commitment to be more intentional about taking time to get away together. We let go of the expectations of what date night needed to look like and decided that it didn’t have to be formal or fancy. It could just look like going to a restaurant together with our laptops, spending the first bit catching up and reconnecting and then spending time working, but at least we were together while doing it.
5. Decide what your deal-breakers are and don’t try to change the rest
There is one thing that Spiros does that used to drive me nuts: He leaves cabinets open after he uses them! I tried for so long to change this about him. But in this year of marriage, I’ve realized: Does it really matter if he leaves the cabinet doors open? What matters to me a whole lot more is our shared values. Those are the deal-breakers for me. Not left-open cabinets.
This has been a year of realizing that I don’t actually want to change anything about Spiros. I want him to be who he is. Our home is just as much his as it is mine, and I know that there have to be things I do that annoy him—that’s how it goes in a relationship, right? My point is that there are things that are important to discuss and work through, and there are things that you choose to accept and embrace.
6. Seek honesty and candor, and don’t take it personally if you don’t like what you hear
One thing I love about Spiros is his ability to shoot straight with me. He always tells me the truth, even if it’s not what I want to hear.
I can remember one time when I felt like I wasn't prioritizing my physical health. I opened up to him about it and asked him what he thought—and he agreed with me. He said he could tell. I wasn’t committing to my physical health like I once was, and he told me that if I wanted to recommit to that, he would help me and be my accountability partner.
At first, I was really hurt that he said he could tell my physical health had dropped on my priority list. But then, I realized… Am I really upset with him for telling me the truth?
That's what I wanted. That's what I asked for. I learned not to take it personally, to hear the love that was coming across in his feedback that I asked for, and to accept the help and support of him being my accountability partner.
7. Work on yourself so that you can be your best for you and for each other
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’ve really struggled in my relationship with money. There was a time when Student Maid was in a lot of debt, and while we got out of it, it was a really hard chapter that challenged me a lot and made it clear that I needed to work on my understanding of and relationship with money.
Over the last several years, I’ve dedicated time to learning about finance and changing my entire relationship with how I see and manage money. I can see the difference that it makes in my relationship with Spiros: The more that I understand the areas where I need to grow and the more I work on those areas, the more beneficial it is for our marriage.
8. Speak up for what you need
I think Spiros and I have really leaned into this a lot this year. There have certainly been times in our relationship when we’ve both been frustrated and have felt like our needs weren’t being met. We came to realize that we are not mind readers! When we fail to meet each other’s needs, it’s not intentional. It’s just that we might not understand what the other person is expecting of us. And the caring thing to do is to be direct and open about our needs and expectations.
This year, I think we did a great job of asking each other directly for what we need. I will say that Spiros has always been better at this than me. So for me, I've learned to literally say, “I need. . .”
Providing that clarity is kind. The more we can understand ourselves and speak up for what we need, the more we can help our partners meet those needs.
9. Spend time apart
Pre-pandemic, Spiros and I spent a ton of time apart. Now that most of my work is virtual, we’ve had to be intentional about creating space for alone time because we both need “inward time” in order to be at our best. Sometimes this looks like me going on trips with my friends without Spiros, or Spiros going out with his friends while I make other plans, or having hobbies that are different from each other. And there are so many times when Spiros and I will be in the same room but will be doing our own thing. We can literally sit in silence for hours and it’s not weird. Or we can both watch a different movie with our headphones on but be in the same room.
I love that about us, and I’m proud that we have prioritized that aspect of our relationship because I think it has helped us be at our best for each other.
10. Have a shared goal
Spiros and I worked on our wedding for so long (especially since we delayed it because of the pandemic), so when it was finally over, I will admit . . I felt a bit bummed. We had been working toward something for such a long time, and now that we’d done it . . . Now what?
The house is our new project. It’s exciting for us because we are working toward something big together. It’s been fun to talk about our vision and dream together, much like what we did when we planned our wedding. It makes me realize how important it is to have a thing that you are working toward together. I want to be mindful of picking a new goal to work on after we move into our new house!
There we have it! This year has been filled with so much growth and love. I feel so grateful and lucky that Spiros is my guy. This weekend, we are celebrating our anniversary by honoring one of our commitments to each other: We are taking a few days to disconnect and go to Mexico, which is where we got married. We are calling it our “honeymoon” because we never actually took one. One year late, but hey . . . Better late than never!
See you next week,
