From defensive to curious: How to change your mindset around receiving feedback
Not long ago, I got some feedback from a client, and my first internal reaction was . . . defensiveness.
Here’s what happened: This client and I met to talk about the goals of a session they had asked me to lead. After the meeting, I went off and outlined the flow of the session and created a corresponding workbook and agenda.
I sent the client the workbook and outline to get their feedback, as I usually do. I was expecting the client to say, “This looks great!” or suggest only a few changes because I was certain that we were aligned on the content. Instead, the response was that the session wasn't exactly what they were looking for, and they told me what they were hoping for instead.
In that moment—even though I teach people how to do this—I didn’t receive the feedback well. I got defensive and frustrated. What I really wanted to say is that maybe I wasn't the right one to lead this session and they needed to find someone else. I thought to myself something along the lines of, “What do you mean you don't like what I sent? It's great.” Luckily, I had enough presence of mind to realize that that response wouldn’t lead to great results, so I chose to say . . . nothing. At least for the time being. Instead, I gave myself time to think about and process the feedback before responding.
I sat with it for an hour or so. As time went on, I saw what was happening as clear as day: My ego was getting in the way. When I thought about it logically, their feedback actually made a lot of sense. And then I thought about how great it was that we could have this realization before the session so that we had a chance to get aligned. I recognized my client wasn’t against me. They hired me; of course they weren’t against me. We were on the same team, and we were both invested in making the session as successful as it could possibly be.
I decided to completely rethink my approach. For the next eight hours, I worked on creating a session that aligned with their feedback, and it was really challenging for me. It felt hard and like I was being stretched out of my content comfort zones. I had to think about how to incorporate the things that they wanted in a unique way.
But by the time I finished, I was so proud of the work I’d done. I could see the difference between where we started and where we landed, and I was so grateful for the feedback because I realized we would never have gotten there if it weren’t for the client being honest with me. I knew at that moment that it was going to be a really awesome session—and way better than the direction I had initially proposed.
I opened up my email, wrote a note to my client thanking them for the feedback, and attached the updated workbook and outline for their review. This time, the response was what I had hoped for: The client loved it. It was exactly what they had envisioned.
But the best part? After the session. When we realized we knocked it out of the park together and that the results and engagement were better than any session they’d had before.
This whole experience reminded me once again of the power of feedback—and the power of being open to receiving it.
Giving feedback is hard. I think receiving it can sometimes be harder. It takes a lot of effort to choose to move past our ego-driven gut reactions and consider a different perspective.
If receiving feedback is something you struggle with, I want to use this example to point out the things that helped me receive the client’s feedback in a productive way in case it can help you do the same:
I gave myself time to process the feedback before I responded to it. Sometimes, when we receive feedback, our ego is what reacts first, and it can get in the way of a productive conversation. I believe it’s always better to give yourself a chance to think before you respond in a way that you might regret.
I reminded myself that the person on the other side cares just as much as I do. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have taken the time to give me this feedback. Associating the act of giving feedback with an act of care helped me move from defensiveness to gratitude. I was grateful that this client trusted me enough to be honest and give me that feedback. It means that there's trust in our relationship. Sometimes, I think we can get really bummed when we get feedback because we focus only on how it affects us. Instead, try to remind yourself that when you get feedback, it’s because the other person feels that there’s enough psychological safety in your relationship that they can be candid with you. That’s huge.
I got curious. In this case, I really had to think about what might be true here. I had to try the feedback on and explore it from the other perspective, and when I did that, I realized, “Ooh, there's definitely a lot to think about here. There could be some creative avenues I'm not thinking about that will get us to this end goal.” I had to get curious about where the feedback could lead us instead of thinking that my way was the right and only way to go about it.
I remembered the common goal. This client and I both wanted to put together a great session for their team. That is the spirit with which they gave me the feedback. Staying focused on that common goal was how we were going to get to the best possible outcome.
I thanked the client for their feedback. When I responded to their initial feedback, I owned the fact that my direction could have been stronger and better. I told the client that I was grateful for the feedback. In a debrief meeting after the session, I got to tell them, “Thank goodness you gave me that feedback! It was the reason the session was as successful as it was.” When you get feedback, even if you don’t agree with it, try to make sure that your first reaction is gratitude: “Thank you for having the courage to share this with me.” That’s what maintains psychological safety and encourages people to keep speaking up.
Big hugs,
